I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown
Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate
So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate
No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine
08 December, 2009
06 December, 2009
The Power of Prayer
OK, so honestly for the past two weeks I've really upped my level of davening after a lapse of complete abandonment for about six weeks since my uncle died. When I stopped davening I noticed every aspect of my life beginning to turn to utter shit. It was amazing to behold and part of me recognized the correlation between my lack of emuna and crappiness of existence long before I allowed it to manifest as badly as it did.
When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!
When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.
Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.
Baruch Hashem.
I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.
Hashem is truly taking care of me.
When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!
When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.
Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.
Baruch Hashem.
I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.
Hashem is truly taking care of me.
30 November, 2009
More Untzniusness
Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.
29 November, 2009
A Silver Lining, At Last
Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.
This ain't so bad.
This ain't so bad.
28 November, 2009
Health Problems
It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.
Great.
Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.
The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.
I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Great.
Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.
The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.
I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.
25 November, 2009
Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.
After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.
We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.
My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.
At least I am feeling less depressed.
After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.
We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.
My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.
At least I am feeling less depressed.
18 November, 2009
11 November, 2009
Counting Blessings
It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.
It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.
It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.
It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.
I wonder what drove him to it.
In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.
So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.
I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.
Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.
It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.
It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.
It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.
I wonder what drove him to it.
In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.
So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.
I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.
Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.
31 October, 2009
Emuna
I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.
Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.
Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.
There is always next time.
Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.
Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.
There is always next time.
18 October, 2009
16 October, 2009
14 October, 2009
09 October, 2009
May You Live in Interesing Times Pt. 2
Uncle passed away this week, and there's no money to bury him. He was never close to me but it's sad to see my grandmother having to bury a child and then all this religious bullshit coming into play about how he should be buried.
My father's parents are/were Romanian Orthodox Christian and don't believe in cremation, just like Jews. My grandmother also wants all the Romanian Orthodox hokum to be present at the funeral and lately has been urging my parents to baptize my sister and I, even though neither one of my parents really believes in G-d or an afterlife but told us that through Mom we're Jewish and not to expect anything from them religiously.
For reasons I can't get into, I actually want to attend the funeral for the pure spectacle of it all, as bad as that sounds.
I'm sorry you're gone, but I really think you're in a much better place now.
Oh, and I dropped a heavy textbook on my foot yesterday and it's so freaking tender I think the bone is a little bruised on one of my toes. It left behind an ugly mark. Dad said I should take a day off jogging and not aggravate an injury so I'm going to heed his warning and not exercise. Which sucks for me 'cause Yom Tov this weekend will inevitable mean overeating as well. Hopefully my toe will be on the mend by next week.
I'm addicted to this whole exercising and eating whatever I want routine, and don't want to stop!
My father's parents are/were Romanian Orthodox Christian and don't believe in cremation, just like Jews. My grandmother also wants all the Romanian Orthodox hokum to be present at the funeral and lately has been urging my parents to baptize my sister and I, even though neither one of my parents really believes in G-d or an afterlife but told us that through Mom we're Jewish and not to expect anything from them religiously.
For reasons I can't get into, I actually want to attend the funeral for the pure spectacle of it all, as bad as that sounds.
I'm sorry you're gone, but I really think you're in a much better place now.
Oh, and I dropped a heavy textbook on my foot yesterday and it's so freaking tender I think the bone is a little bruised on one of my toes. It left behind an ugly mark. Dad said I should take a day off jogging and not aggravate an injury so I'm going to heed his warning and not exercise. Which sucks for me 'cause Yom Tov this weekend will inevitable mean overeating as well. Hopefully my toe will be on the mend by next week.
I'm addicted to this whole exercising and eating whatever I want routine, and don't want to stop!
05 October, 2009
The Unhappy Person Asks "Why?"
Why can't I seem to just get over you?
Why must the heart want what the heart wants?
Why do I let myself be fooled again and again and again?
Why do I let myself be used?
Why don't I just walk away from the pain?
Why won't it just end?
Why won't I grow?
Why must the heart want what the heart wants?
Why do I let myself be fooled again and again and again?
Why do I let myself be used?
Why don't I just walk away from the pain?
Why won't it just end?
Why won't I grow?
30 September, 2009
How Jogging is Saving My Life
A week before Rosh Hashanah I quit smoking, and two days after quitting smoking I started jogging again. Only weeks later I am up to jogging 5k three days a week and I'm really enjoying it.
Dad is warning me not to enjoy it too much and push myself too hard. Says I shouldn't increase distance for the next few months, just work on improving what I'm already doing until it's incredibly easy. Apparently younger people are the most prone to overrunning because they think they can just push themselves so hard without injury. I really want to train for a race, but I think for now I'm going to just work on improving my fitness level.
It's great to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain any weight. While I'm not losing tonnes of weight my belly is starting to shrink a bit so at the very least I'm toning up and burning some fat. Definitely have more energy lately than I think I've had in years.
The anti-depressant effects have been amazing. A lot of life's hard blows have been washed away during and after a good jog. It's helped me to centre my focus and deal with a lot of my problems. Not to mention I look forward to it. Honestly don't know why I stopped for so long after recovering from sciatica. It's been one of the few things keeping me going.
Too many negative things have happened recently that there needs to be some beacon of light in my lonely world. I don't have anyone to cuddle. Friends are never around. I let people use me. Most days I feel like a number or a cog.
Jogging is one of the rare times I get to be me. It's the time when I can put on my runners, rock a tznius workout friendly outfit and listen to whatever I want on the iPod (lately it's been French electro). Or the ritual of my mid-jog break to stop for water at the park fountain and say shehakol over the precious liquid. The breezes Hashem sends me right when I need cooling off. Watching the leaves change with the season-- green, yellow, orange, red, maroon. The crisp Canadian morning air. The list goes on. Every time I go jogging I find something new to appreciate.
I think I will try to use this space to expand upon that list.
Dad is warning me not to enjoy it too much and push myself too hard. Says I shouldn't increase distance for the next few months, just work on improving what I'm already doing until it's incredibly easy. Apparently younger people are the most prone to overrunning because they think they can just push themselves so hard without injury. I really want to train for a race, but I think for now I'm going to just work on improving my fitness level.
It's great to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain any weight. While I'm not losing tonnes of weight my belly is starting to shrink a bit so at the very least I'm toning up and burning some fat. Definitely have more energy lately than I think I've had in years.
The anti-depressant effects have been amazing. A lot of life's hard blows have been washed away during and after a good jog. It's helped me to centre my focus and deal with a lot of my problems. Not to mention I look forward to it. Honestly don't know why I stopped for so long after recovering from sciatica. It's been one of the few things keeping me going.
Too many negative things have happened recently that there needs to be some beacon of light in my lonely world. I don't have anyone to cuddle. Friends are never around. I let people use me. Most days I feel like a number or a cog.
Jogging is one of the rare times I get to be me. It's the time when I can put on my runners, rock a tznius workout friendly outfit and listen to whatever I want on the iPod (lately it's been French electro). Or the ritual of my mid-jog break to stop for water at the park fountain and say shehakol over the precious liquid. The breezes Hashem sends me right when I need cooling off. Watching the leaves change with the season-- green, yellow, orange, red, maroon. The crisp Canadian morning air. The list goes on. Every time I go jogging I find something new to appreciate.
I think I will try to use this space to expand upon that list.
29 September, 2009
Yom Kippur
Yom Kippur was inspiring but I wish that all my sins were truly wiped away, as I feel they were not. I could get into it, but I won't.
How did I let this happen?
How did I let this happen?
26 September, 2009
REM, You Pull My Emo Heart Strings This Motzei Shabbos
Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
(repeat chorus)
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
(repeat chorus)
But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream
23 September, 2009
Atonement
In the spirit of Yom Kippur approaching, I'm in the mood to write about how I used to be the world's biggest pothead. Like we're talking really bad. Smoking three, sometimes ten joints a day. I could go through a half ounce every week if you let me. It was bad, and I will admit I was psychologically addicted especially since I was using it to self-medicate.
In the past few months I've taken various steps to give up my expensive habit but temptation rears its ugly head every so often. It doesn't win any more. You just couldn't convince me to open my wallet ever again to waste money on stupidity herb.
But it's funny because today I was noticing the pocket knife from Afghanistan some hippie gave me at a festival last year, and it got me to thinking about those shiurim that talk about finding the best purpose in objects, and then ourselves.
"You could use this shtender to break a window, or you could place sfarim or shiur notes on it, optimizing its use."
So when I think of Afghanistan, besides the Taliban and our Canadian troops being stationed there I think about hash and opium.
Clearly this knife's best purpose is not to hunt, as the blade is neither serrated or very long and is quite thin.
Nope, I think this blade was meant to glean hash either from the plants, hands, or even your little coffee grinder lined with cannabis trichomes (basically the essence of hash) ready to be scraped and smoked. That's really the only purpose it ever served me.
Just a thought.
Oh, and I'm up to jogging 5km now with just the mid-jog break to breathe and drink from the fountain. I feel slimmer but have stayed at the same weight, I think that means my muscle tone is coming back. Woohoo!
Would like to train for a 5k or 8k maybe in the next year or so.
In the past few months I've taken various steps to give up my expensive habit but temptation rears its ugly head every so often. It doesn't win any more. You just couldn't convince me to open my wallet ever again to waste money on stupidity herb.
But it's funny because today I was noticing the pocket knife from Afghanistan some hippie gave me at a festival last year, and it got me to thinking about those shiurim that talk about finding the best purpose in objects, and then ourselves.
"You could use this shtender to break a window, or you could place sfarim or shiur notes on it, optimizing its use."
So when I think of Afghanistan, besides the Taliban and our Canadian troops being stationed there I think about hash and opium.
Clearly this knife's best purpose is not to hunt, as the blade is neither serrated or very long and is quite thin.
Nope, I think this blade was meant to glean hash either from the plants, hands, or even your little coffee grinder lined with cannabis trichomes (basically the essence of hash) ready to be scraped and smoked. That's really the only purpose it ever served me.
Just a thought.
Oh, and I'm up to jogging 5km now with just the mid-jog break to breathe and drink from the fountain. I feel slimmer but have stayed at the same weight, I think that means my muscle tone is coming back. Woohoo!
Would like to train for a 5k or 8k maybe in the next year or so.
22 September, 2009
May You Live in Interesting Times...
Came home from an inspirational Rosh Hashana in the community to my father sicker than ever. He can't breathe, is coughing up blood and his lungs are filling up with fluid from the congestive heart failure.
So he was admitted to emergency last night and they're keeping him there for at least a few days this week and will be pumping him full of diuretics.
I'm not sure just how sick he has to be before they give him a transplant, but it has to be really bad since apparently having a heart that can't get any bigger and all the above mentioned symptoms aren't enough.
It truly frightens me to see him in the state requiring a transplant.
But the Jewish community never fails to amaze me when they band together to pray for the sick. Since last night I've received numerous notes from people telling me they are praying for my family and it is very reassuring.
I don't know what I'd do without such wonderful people in my life. Really, I'd be completely lost.
So he was admitted to emergency last night and they're keeping him there for at least a few days this week and will be pumping him full of diuretics.
I'm not sure just how sick he has to be before they give him a transplant, but it has to be really bad since apparently having a heart that can't get any bigger and all the above mentioned symptoms aren't enough.
It truly frightens me to see him in the state requiring a transplant.
But the Jewish community never fails to amaze me when they band together to pray for the sick. Since last night I've received numerous notes from people telling me they are praying for my family and it is very reassuring.
I don't know what I'd do without such wonderful people in my life. Really, I'd be completely lost.
21 September, 2009
Tears for Fears Currently Describes My Emo State
I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention
You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I'm lost in admiration could I need you this much
Oh, you're wasting my time
You're just wasting time
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away
I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of your future
With one foot in the past now just how long will it last
No, no, no, have you no ambition
My mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean in air
And dreaming I'm a doctor
It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
Oh I feel so...
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away
And this my four leaf clover
I'm on the line, one open mind
This is my four leaf clover
In my mind's eye
One little boy, one little man
Funny how time flies
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention
You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I'm lost in admiration could I need you this much
Oh, you're wasting my time
You're just wasting time
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away
I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of your future
With one foot in the past now just how long will it last
No, no, no, have you no ambition
My mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean in air
And dreaming I'm a doctor
It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
Oh I feel so...
Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away
And this my four leaf clover
I'm on the line, one open mind
This is my four leaf clover
In my mind's eye
One little boy, one little man
Funny how time flies
17 September, 2009
Confessions of a Jewish Nanny
After giving my rebbetzin's son a bath this evening, we put him to bed together by singing HaMalach HaGoel in a beautiful harmony. It was very special to me to be able to share such a mommy thing with her. It makes me happy to be able to help them out this way, and it hardly feels like work since the kids are absolutely wonderful.
I don't know what I did to become so blessed, but thank you, Hashem, nonetheless.
I don't know what I did to become so blessed, but thank you, Hashem, nonetheless.
15 September, 2009
Feeling Better
Well, I managed to jog 4km this morning and only stopped once in the park to drink from a fountain i.e. no walking breaks. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself right now that my body's endurance went up that much in only two days. Did I mention I only quit smoking four days ago?
While jogging I noticed how much my sense of smell has improved in only a few days as I took in all the delicious fragrances of the gardens I would pass along my route. It was kind of transcendental to recite shehakol over the fountain while high in the zone. Oh, Hashem, your blessings are truly endless.
Really needed the endorphin rush today seeing as I am babysitting two small children this afternoon and then heading to a three hour math lecture tonight.
Feeling a lot less sorry for myself than I was last night.
Time to get some food in this earthly vessel of mine.
While jogging I noticed how much my sense of smell has improved in only a few days as I took in all the delicious fragrances of the gardens I would pass along my route. It was kind of transcendental to recite shehakol over the fountain while high in the zone. Oh, Hashem, your blessings are truly endless.
Really needed the endorphin rush today seeing as I am babysitting two small children this afternoon and then heading to a three hour math lecture tonight.
Feeling a lot less sorry for myself than I was last night.
Time to get some food in this earthly vessel of mine.
Why do I set myself up for this over and over again?
I feel so stupid and completely used.
As a friend once said, if only they made lipstick and hair dye that gave women equality instead of making them sex objects.
After a good night's sleep, I'm going to take out my frustration and disappointment on a serious workout.
Not much else I can do except take care of myself, exercise and pray that Hashem gives me the clarity to decipher the message from this experience.
As a friend once said, if only they made lipstick and hair dye that gave women equality instead of making them sex objects.
After a good night's sleep, I'm going to take out my frustration and disappointment on a serious workout.
Not much else I can do except take care of myself, exercise and pray that Hashem gives me the clarity to decipher the message from this experience.
13 September, 2009
Slichot for My Body
Well, it's been two days without a cigarette and I don't have any cravings to speak of just yet. This morning I woke up around 6am to go for a jog, and managed about 3.5km around my neighbourhood. Though to be fair, I took 50m walking breaks and walked at least a couple hundred meters so my blackened lungs would not collapse.
I give myself a pat on the back for at least trying, and know that if I keep this up for at least three mornings a week, soon I will be able to jog or even run the whole route and perhaps extend it in due time.
Oh, and Shabbos was amazing! My rebbetzin is going to help me sort out my papers with the Beit Din this semester as well as take a year off my university studies to go to seminary.
Good morning, indeed!
Time to enjoy these endophins and some breakfast before getting ready for work.
I give myself a pat on the back for at least trying, and know that if I keep this up for at least three mornings a week, soon I will be able to jog or even run the whole route and perhaps extend it in due time.
Oh, and Shabbos was amazing! My rebbetzin is going to help me sort out my papers with the Beit Din this semester as well as take a year off my university studies to go to seminary.
Good morning, indeed!
Time to enjoy these endophins and some breakfast before getting ready for work.
11 September, 2009
Elul, Rosh Hashana, and Quitting Smoking
My goal for Elul is to stop smoking before Rosh Hashana once I finished the carton from Europe I'd bought at the duty-free. I gave a couple packs away, and countless other cigarettes so I'd make it easier on myself. This morning I smoked my last cigarette and now I'm officially going to quit. No more wasting money on future emphysema. It's time for health!
One of the reasons I quit (besides getting healthy and it being the right thing to do) is so I can go on the pill to control my periods. I've heard the pill can help ease the discomfort, and I would like to give it a shot.
Because I know someone who died from complications of smoking on the pill, I always told myself I would never take it unless I was truly committed to being a non-smoker. So here I am.
That being said, I really do not want to gain a whole bunch of weight and blimp out while taking the pill, so I'm going to use my simultaneous quitting smoking to take on a fitness regimen. There was a time when I used to be in fairly good shape, having been an athlete and I'd like to get back into it.
So whenever I crave a smoke, I'm going to go for a run instead of reaching for food.
Thanks to a certain special person who has given me tonnes of support and encouragement in my recent quitting of a couple vices. Love you.
And what better day to celebrate life than to remember those lost on September 11, 2001. You are all in my prayers.
Shabbat Shalom!!!
One of the reasons I quit (besides getting healthy and it being the right thing to do) is so I can go on the pill to control my periods. I've heard the pill can help ease the discomfort, and I would like to give it a shot.
Because I know someone who died from complications of smoking on the pill, I always told myself I would never take it unless I was truly committed to being a non-smoker. So here I am.
That being said, I really do not want to gain a whole bunch of weight and blimp out while taking the pill, so I'm going to use my simultaneous quitting smoking to take on a fitness regimen. There was a time when I used to be in fairly good shape, having been an athlete and I'd like to get back into it.
So whenever I crave a smoke, I'm going to go for a run instead of reaching for food.
Thanks to a certain special person who has given me tonnes of support and encouragement in my recent quitting of a couple vices. Love you.
And what better day to celebrate life than to remember those lost on September 11, 2001. You are all in my prayers.
Shabbat Shalom!!!
10 September, 2009
Frosh Week
Tonight we had the frosh event at my rabbi's house, and it was a great excuse to be social, eat yummy food and of course babysit their adorable children. While it was very good to get out and catch up with old faces as well as meet new ones, the entire time I couldn't help but think of my friend from Birthright who died in a drunk driving accident on Purim this year. He would have had a blast at this event.
LCD Soundsystem describes my stir of emotions best in the song, Someone Great.
I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue
Locked in your basement.
I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be a perfect warning
That something's a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice on the other end.
The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done.
It's late for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs to be finished.
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops.
(Repeat x3)
And it keeps coming,
(Repeat x7)
Till the day it stops.
I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started.
Too late for beginnings.
You're smaller than my wife imagined,
Surprised you were human.
There shouldn't be this ring of silence,
But what are the options?
When someone great is gone.
(Repeat x8)
We're safe for the moment.
Saved,
For the moment.
Well, I'm going to cry a bit now and remember Yoni and the good times we had.
LCD Soundsystem describes my stir of emotions best in the song, Someone Great.
I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue
Locked in your basement.
I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be a perfect warning
That something's a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice on the other end.
The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done.
It's late for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs to be finished.
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops.
(Repeat x3)
And it keeps coming,
(Repeat x7)
Till the day it stops.
I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started.
Too late for beginnings.
You're smaller than my wife imagined,
Surprised you were human.
There shouldn't be this ring of silence,
But what are the options?
When someone great is gone.
(Repeat x8)
We're safe for the moment.
Saved,
For the moment.
Well, I'm going to cry a bit now and remember Yoni and the good times we had.
09 September, 2009
Project Inspired
So I will admit I was rather inspired by that Aish.com book, Triumph. Especially the story about the woman who became religious and had a testy relationship with her sister afterwards until she realized how important it was to strengthen that relationship.
So last night I went and hung out with my sister, something I don't do too often. We chatted for a while, I drank some of her wine and gave her a back rub, then we chatted some more.
She lives right around the corner from us, so I should really take advantage of hanging out with her before she moves at the end of the year with her boyfriend to another town.
I don't want her to ever think that my going religious ever became more important than my relationship with her.
Oh, and I'm down to my last pack of cigarettes. Almost quittin' time!
So last night I went and hung out with my sister, something I don't do too often. We chatted for a while, I drank some of her wine and gave her a back rub, then we chatted some more.
She lives right around the corner from us, so I should really take advantage of hanging out with her before she moves at the end of the year with her boyfriend to another town.
I don't want her to ever think that my going religious ever became more important than my relationship with her.
Oh, and I'm down to my last pack of cigarettes. Almost quittin' time!
08 September, 2009
Workaholism
Lately I've become a workaholic, mainly because I have bills to pay, and the last time I checked nobody else is going to foot the bill for my tuition and books, and getting financial aid is a bitch and I try to avoid it as much as possible.
When I ask Hashem for parnassah I end up getting far more than I expect. Always on the hunt for new sources of income, they tend to find me first.
So, while waiting for a co-worker to arrive so we can head to a festival this morning, our driver tells me of his plan to start importing traditional Chinese artwork and sell it here. He also told me that he'd like my help since my English is much better than his and he sees how hard I work selling the merchandise in my current job.
Apparently flights to China have come down quite a bit as of late, and it's made me consider flying out to Shanghai some time to see what the fuss is about. Perhaps I will enroll in conversational Mandarin to gain a better appreciation of my future work.
When I ask Hashem for parnassah I end up getting far more than I expect. Always on the hunt for new sources of income, they tend to find me first.
So, while waiting for a co-worker to arrive so we can head to a festival this morning, our driver tells me of his plan to start importing traditional Chinese artwork and sell it here. He also told me that he'd like my help since my English is much better than his and he sees how hard I work selling the merchandise in my current job.
Apparently flights to China have come down quite a bit as of late, and it's made me consider flying out to Shanghai some time to see what the fuss is about. Perhaps I will enroll in conversational Mandarin to gain a better appreciation of my future work.
05 September, 2009
Crying on Shabbos is so lame...
Over Shabbos I read one of those Aish books they give out in Israel called Triumph, an anthology of true stories meant to inspire us whiney Jews who think we've got it rough. Well, it worked. At least half the stories made me bawl my farkin' eyes out.
After I finished that book I started The Ransom of the Jews: The Story of the Extraordinary Secret Bargain Between Romania and Israel by Radu Ionid, which discusses the purchasing of Jewish souls to be transported by ship to Israel during the post-Holocaust Communist regime in Romania. Interesting, so far. My father, who isn't halachically Jewish but whose father was Jewish (but denied it for the most part and lived as a Christian) and is Romanian encouraged me to read it. He was telling me how growing up he knew members of the Iron Guard in his church and it irks him to this day to think of what part they may have played in the Romanian Holocaust.
After lunch I went to take my usual nap, but for some reason the tears came before sleep could arrive because as I lay there in solitude I was reminded of my loneliness. I just wanted to be hugged so badly. I rarely get hugs from my own family (I live with them) and the desire for human contact was just so overwhelming for about ten minutes or so.
I shrugged it off as energy needing to be released then crashed for three hours.
My life is otherwise amazing, but I can't seem to get in contact with any of my friends on my days off, and when my friends want to hang out I have to work my shitty job and never have time. It's really getting to me lately.
This week I have more days off than usual, so I'm going to try and get out there some more! Even if it's by myself. Maybe that's my problem. On my days off I spend too much time at home doing laundry, reading or studying math that I don't actually take any real leisurely time. Sure, I enjoy reading books and reviewing math but there's more to life than those things.
Oh, and I am down to my last three packs of duty-free cigarettes from Europe. It is my goal to quit by Rosh Hashana then get back into a proper exercise routine.
SHAVUA TOV!
After I finished that book I started The Ransom of the Jews: The Story of the Extraordinary Secret Bargain Between Romania and Israel by Radu Ionid, which discusses the purchasing of Jewish souls to be transported by ship to Israel during the post-Holocaust Communist regime in Romania. Interesting, so far. My father, who isn't halachically Jewish but whose father was Jewish (but denied it for the most part and lived as a Christian) and is Romanian encouraged me to read it. He was telling me how growing up he knew members of the Iron Guard in his church and it irks him to this day to think of what part they may have played in the Romanian Holocaust.
After lunch I went to take my usual nap, but for some reason the tears came before sleep could arrive because as I lay there in solitude I was reminded of my loneliness. I just wanted to be hugged so badly. I rarely get hugs from my own family (I live with them) and the desire for human contact was just so overwhelming for about ten minutes or so.
I shrugged it off as energy needing to be released then crashed for three hours.
My life is otherwise amazing, but I can't seem to get in contact with any of my friends on my days off, and when my friends want to hang out I have to work my shitty job and never have time. It's really getting to me lately.
This week I have more days off than usual, so I'm going to try and get out there some more! Even if it's by myself. Maybe that's my problem. On my days off I spend too much time at home doing laundry, reading or studying math that I don't actually take any real leisurely time. Sure, I enjoy reading books and reviewing math but there's more to life than those things.
Oh, and I am down to my last three packs of duty-free cigarettes from Europe. It is my goal to quit by Rosh Hashana then get back into a proper exercise routine.
SHAVUA TOV!
04 September, 2009
Man...
This week at work has been rough. It's hard working for a shark, and the 50+ hour work week schedule gets to me. I'm looking forward to Shabbos, indeed!
But honestly, I can't complain as I have the best friends in the world. I try to do nice things for people I care about, but expect nothing in return. When they in turn show me immense gratitude it lights up my life so much.
In the past two days I've received a bunch of really sweet notes from friends thanking me for post cards I sent on my travels, and one friend who was completely blown away by some art I brought back from Israel for her.
I didn't think doing these things was a big deal. I mean, doesn't everybody write post cards and bring back souvenirs from their holidays?
Anyway, it just made me feel like a million bucks to know they care as much I care and could take a minute out of their busy schedules to do something that totally made my week.
I feel so very, very blessed.
GOOD SHABBOS!
But honestly, I can't complain as I have the best friends in the world. I try to do nice things for people I care about, but expect nothing in return. When they in turn show me immense gratitude it lights up my life so much.
In the past two days I've received a bunch of really sweet notes from friends thanking me for post cards I sent on my travels, and one friend who was completely blown away by some art I brought back from Israel for her.
I didn't think doing these things was a big deal. I mean, doesn't everybody write post cards and bring back souvenirs from their holidays?
Anyway, it just made me feel like a million bucks to know they care as much I care and could take a minute out of their busy schedules to do something that totally made my week.
I feel so very, very blessed.
GOOD SHABBOS!
03 September, 2009
When I Have a Bad Day at Work...
I tell myself it's not so bad, at least I have my health.
At least I do not have leukemia or require an organ transplant.
At least I'm not that kid I had to see go into cardiac arrest in front of our vending booth and had to watch the doctors apply a defibrillator while we re-directed pedestrian traffic around the emergency.
A chill may run down my spine every time I have to hear the words "code blue, to emergency now, code blue" announced over the PA while trying to sell fashion items in a children's hospital, but at least our sales support the research foundation.
It breaks my heart to see so much sickness, but at least my heart still works properly, right?
Life may be hard, but it's really not so bad.
At least I do not have leukemia or require an organ transplant.
At least I'm not that kid I had to see go into cardiac arrest in front of our vending booth and had to watch the doctors apply a defibrillator while we re-directed pedestrian traffic around the emergency.
A chill may run down my spine every time I have to hear the words "code blue, to emergency now, code blue" announced over the PA while trying to sell fashion items in a children's hospital, but at least our sales support the research foundation.
It breaks my heart to see so much sickness, but at least my heart still works properly, right?
Life may be hard, but it's really not so bad.
01 September, 2009
Things growing in and around the house...
My mom and I have a thing for saving dying plants, as well as growing stuff we bought from a store. In the past couple of years vines have been overtaking the back of the house, and only recently have little grape buds begun to show. Hopefully in a decade or so we can make a delicious ice wine!
Here's a cactus I bought when I moved home in the spring:
It blossomed quite a bit over the summer:
And this is a cactus I saved from near death. I re-potted it over a year ago to help its root structure, and now it can stand on its own! It was so limp and sad just a few months ago:
In the backyard we have some spearmint:
Sicilian oregano (also saved from near death):
Greek oregano:
Last but not least, the grapevine taking over the backside of the house:
Here's a cactus I bought when I moved home in the spring:
It blossomed quite a bit over the summer:
And this is a cactus I saved from near death. I re-potted it over a year ago to help its root structure, and now it can stand on its own! It was so limp and sad just a few months ago:
In the backyard we have some spearmint:
Sicilian oregano (also saved from near death):
Greek oregano:
Last but not least, the grapevine taking over the backside of the house:
31 August, 2009
I Love Canadian Immigrants
People, we'll call them bigots, often complain that this country is over-populated by immigrants. My father is an immigrant, in fact, he had refugee status until he was almost 30 before gaining full citizenship (his parents never bothered to apply for his, I guess). So in being biased, I love immigrants because of what they bring to this mosaic nation. They are hard working and very appreciative of the opportunities available to them in Canada.
Not only that, every time we need to throw out old furniture or household items, within minutes there appears to be some neighbourhood immigrants ready to scoop them up.
Today I'm trying to clear my room of all kinds of useless furniture and crap I no longer need. Much of it is stuff leftover from my previous relationship, some of it is just useless junk that belongs to my family that is in my room. I've been given the go-ahead from my father to get rid of it, and so today I made a huge dent in the pile of rubble that is my room by moving various furniture items onto our front lawn.
An immigrant family down the street took notice of this, and asked if we would be needing this stuff. I told them it would be my pleasure if they would take it, since we no longer require it and the mother really seemed to like this one dining room set I was schlepping to the lawn.
We even helped her move it down the street to her house and she thanked us many times.
It felt good to help out a new family to Canada, and even better that my room is starting to take shape!
Not only that, every time we need to throw out old furniture or household items, within minutes there appears to be some neighbourhood immigrants ready to scoop them up.
Today I'm trying to clear my room of all kinds of useless furniture and crap I no longer need. Much of it is stuff leftover from my previous relationship, some of it is just useless junk that belongs to my family that is in my room. I've been given the go-ahead from my father to get rid of it, and so today I made a huge dent in the pile of rubble that is my room by moving various furniture items onto our front lawn.
An immigrant family down the street took notice of this, and asked if we would be needing this stuff. I told them it would be my pleasure if they would take it, since we no longer require it and the mother really seemed to like this one dining room set I was schlepping to the lawn.
We even helped her move it down the street to her house and she thanked us many times.
It felt good to help out a new family to Canada, and even better that my room is starting to take shape!
30 August, 2009
Sin
For some reason I'm feeling rather emo today and only Nine Inch Nails can express it.
You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my Purity.
My Purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise?
Am I just too stupid to realize?
Stale incense, old sweat and lies, lies, lies.
[Chorus:]
It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It gets under my skin.
Within.
Take in the extent of my sin
You give me the anger.
You give me the nerve.
Carry out my sentence.
While I get what I deserve.
I'm just an effigy to be disgraced.
To be defaced.
Your need for me has been replaced.
And if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste.
[Chorus]
You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my Purity.
My Purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise?
Am I just too stupid to realize?
Stale incense, old sweat and lies, lies, lies.
[Chorus:]
It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It gets under my skin.
Within.
Take in the extent of my sin
You give me the anger.
You give me the nerve.
Carry out my sentence.
While I get what I deserve.
I'm just an effigy to be disgraced.
To be defaced.
Your need for me has been replaced.
And if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste.
[Chorus]
Shavua Toving
Well, Shabbos was wonderful as usual. Saw some old faces and met some new ones as well. It was a very "global" Shabbos since there were a bunch of out-of-towners visiting so there was definitely some lively discussion.
Three Shabboses this summer I've been asked to hold the Havdalah candle, and it is my understanding it is meant for single girls in the hopes they'll be married off soonish.
I'd kind of like to know more about the origin of this tradition, and its significance. Especially since I told my rabbis/rebbetzins not to set me up with anyone since I've only recently come out of a long term and miserable relationship, I might add.
It boggles my mind that they think I'm anywhere near ready to meet a nice bochur, since I still think I'm in that crazy mourning stage and could probably use a summer away at seminary before really considering dating seriously again. I'm totally over my ex but the scars left behind from the relationship could use some serious spiritual healing.
At least I bonded with a nice girl in a similar situation as me and we've agreed to learn together as well as hang out more this coming semester.
Shavua Tov, indeed.
Three Shabboses this summer I've been asked to hold the Havdalah candle, and it is my understanding it is meant for single girls in the hopes they'll be married off soonish.
I'd kind of like to know more about the origin of this tradition, and its significance. Especially since I told my rabbis/rebbetzins not to set me up with anyone since I've only recently come out of a long term and miserable relationship, I might add.
It boggles my mind that they think I'm anywhere near ready to meet a nice bochur, since I still think I'm in that crazy mourning stage and could probably use a summer away at seminary before really considering dating seriously again. I'm totally over my ex but the scars left behind from the relationship could use some serious spiritual healing.
At least I bonded with a nice girl in a similar situation as me and we've agreed to learn together as well as hang out more this coming semester.
Shavua Tov, indeed.
28 August, 2009
So apparently I now work for the downtown branch of a kiruv organization in my city. My duties will include babysitting, and assisting with the planning and preparation of events held there.
Last night my rebbetzin showed me how to properly put her son to sleep, and I noticed that she just went on reciting Shema to him regardless of his interruptions. She also sang some other song to him which I think is called, "Melech HaGolah."
I would like to find the words and music to this song so I can learn it too, so at least her son will have what he is used to being sung to him before bedtime.
So far Google has proved useless, and because I'm unmarried I'm not allowed to register as a user on www.imamother.com to ask for help. I'm feeling kind of stuck, so I guess the only thing left to do is ask my rebbetzin herself to teach it to me.
Maybe it's because I grew up secular, but for some reason I can't express how honoured I feel to say Shema with someone else's kid at night. He is so adorable and it feels like good practice for my own Ima status some day in the future.
Anyway, time to stop dilly-dallying and get ready for Shabbos.
Shabbat Shalom!
Last night my rebbetzin showed me how to properly put her son to sleep, and I noticed that she just went on reciting Shema to him regardless of his interruptions. She also sang some other song to him which I think is called, "Melech HaGolah."
I would like to find the words and music to this song so I can learn it too, so at least her son will have what he is used to being sung to him before bedtime.
So far Google has proved useless, and because I'm unmarried I'm not allowed to register as a user on www.imamother.com to ask for help. I'm feeling kind of stuck, so I guess the only thing left to do is ask my rebbetzin herself to teach it to me.
Maybe it's because I grew up secular, but for some reason I can't express how honoured I feel to say Shema with someone else's kid at night. He is so adorable and it feels like good practice for my own Ima status some day in the future.
Anyway, time to stop dilly-dallying and get ready for Shabbos.
Shabbat Shalom!
27 August, 2009
The Long and Winding Road...
Man, it's been ages since I've updated this thing. I've gone back and re-read some old posts and man, have I ever been lying to myself about a lot of things. Take for instance my ex. Like I have painted him out to be this amazing guy when he was not. I got so angry I deleted these posts immediately.
Lately I've been fighting sadness by replacing it with anger. For years I've not let myself properly release this energy and I don't really know why except for some underlying abuse trauma.
This evening my dad showed me his chest x-rays when I got home, and his heart is twice the size it should be, but luckily his lungs aren't filling with fluid. His congestion and coughing fits are getting worse, and I'm glad I finally made the decision to stop smoking pot and thus stop smoking with him.
Looking at those x-rays made me well up with tears and I tried to hide them from my father. I worry so much he's going to be gone soon. Gone before I get married or ever have my first child. Just typing this is making me cry.
I feel so very alone.
At least school is starting up again and I can immerse myself in studies and working two jobs.
Lately I've been fighting sadness by replacing it with anger. For years I've not let myself properly release this energy and I don't really know why except for some underlying abuse trauma.
This evening my dad showed me his chest x-rays when I got home, and his heart is twice the size it should be, but luckily his lungs aren't filling with fluid. His congestion and coughing fits are getting worse, and I'm glad I finally made the decision to stop smoking pot and thus stop smoking with him.
Looking at those x-rays made me well up with tears and I tried to hide them from my father. I worry so much he's going to be gone soon. Gone before I get married or ever have my first child. Just typing this is making me cry.
I feel so very alone.
At least school is starting up again and I can immerse myself in studies and working two jobs.
26 May, 2009
I Hate Drunk Driving
There's just no other way to put it, really. Earlier this year I lost a friend to drunk driving, and nobody saw it coming. He had so much going for him-- he was about to graduate and had so many hobbies and friends and just impacted life around him so positively.
He was on my Birthright trip and when he died, I was shocked how so many from the trip came to honour his memory. Over 1000 people showed up in total, ranging from school friends, to fitness students, teachers, and parents of friends who could not make it. It was awe inspiring.
I cried so much. So, very much.
My fondest memory of him was when we visited the artist's quarter of Tzfat and he donned tefillin for the very first time in his life. He came back with this sparkle in his eyes yelling "I just got bar mitzvah'd guys!"
I think from that moment onward he was going to start considering Judaism seriously and I love being there to witness that moment. Just like someone told me they were moved by how much I cried my first time at the Kotel.
Call it indoctrination or not, it is quite something to behold a disconnected Jew embrace their Judaism again after a lifetime of spiritual exile. A lot of people are secretly yearning for that magical experience on these trips-- they are already looking for spirituality. It doesn't just hit them by surprise. The jaded ones will almost always remain jaded and not buy most of what we're supposedly being "sold."
But I have always found that attitude appallingly negative.
As someone who was inspired by my first trip to Israel, I feel like it gave me a chance to see that it is OK, that it is permissible to want to be Jewish to one's fullest potential.
All my life having this knowledge of an identity and having no outlet for it really struck me in Israel. The fact that a cab driver said "Baruch Hashem" to me because I hail from Toronto, and there are a lot of Jews there, just made me want to cry because there is nowhere else in the world but Israel I would hear something like that.
And it makes me a little giddy to think about how I will be going back there next week to reunite myself with that feeling again, even if for only a little while.
Yoni, I promise to make the most of this trip for you up there in HaShomayim because I know you wanted to do this one too.
He was on my Birthright trip and when he died, I was shocked how so many from the trip came to honour his memory. Over 1000 people showed up in total, ranging from school friends, to fitness students, teachers, and parents of friends who could not make it. It was awe inspiring.
I cried so much. So, very much.
My fondest memory of him was when we visited the artist's quarter of Tzfat and he donned tefillin for the very first time in his life. He came back with this sparkle in his eyes yelling "I just got bar mitzvah'd guys!"
I think from that moment onward he was going to start considering Judaism seriously and I love being there to witness that moment. Just like someone told me they were moved by how much I cried my first time at the Kotel.
Call it indoctrination or not, it is quite something to behold a disconnected Jew embrace their Judaism again after a lifetime of spiritual exile. A lot of people are secretly yearning for that magical experience on these trips-- they are already looking for spirituality. It doesn't just hit them by surprise. The jaded ones will almost always remain jaded and not buy most of what we're supposedly being "sold."
But I have always found that attitude appallingly negative.
As someone who was inspired by my first trip to Israel, I feel like it gave me a chance to see that it is OK, that it is permissible to want to be Jewish to one's fullest potential.
All my life having this knowledge of an identity and having no outlet for it really struck me in Israel. The fact that a cab driver said "Baruch Hashem" to me because I hail from Toronto, and there are a lot of Jews there, just made me want to cry because there is nowhere else in the world but Israel I would hear something like that.
And it makes me a little giddy to think about how I will be going back there next week to reunite myself with that feeling again, even if for only a little while.
Yoni, I promise to make the most of this trip for you up there in HaShomayim because I know you wanted to do this one too.
25 May, 2009
Shavuos
This year for Shavuos I am going to be with my family. On Thursday morning I make the official move home and after that I'm going to prepare the meal at my sister's.
My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.
I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.
My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.
I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.
There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.
My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.
I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.
My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.
I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.
There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.
24 May, 2009
Artsy Fartsy
My job is a lot of fun, mainly because it is based in a creative element and allows me to be a little artsy. My boss is a bit of a shark, but is also a total riot and acknowledges good work with good words and good money (usually I find it's one or the other with most bosses).
She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.
Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.
It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.
Life is good.
She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.
Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.
It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.
Life is good.
21 May, 2009
Money-money-money-money.... MUHHHH-NAY!
So at long last the school year is over and I can look forward to summer. This means back to working 15 hour days.
I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.
Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.
As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.
I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"
While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.
Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.
I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.
Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.
As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.
I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"
While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.
Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.
18 May, 2009
Je m'excuse, mais....
Clairement, je manifest les attributs des gens Français maintenant.
Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.
Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.
Bonne nuitée.
Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.
Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.
Bonne nuitée.
17 May, 2009
Help
The fights are getting to be too much. Every week we have at least one explosive fight with each other usually ending in him leaving.
Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"
I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.
But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.
I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.
Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.
Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.
Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"
I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.
But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.
I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.
Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.
Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.
16 May, 2009
15 May, 2009
I can't seem to motivate myself to study. Just wanna be in Israel... Only a little over three weeks away... Ahhh....
Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.
Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.
GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.
Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.
GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!
03 May, 2009
Shavua Tov and Small Miracles
Shabbos dinner with the Chassidishe rabbi was most inspirational. Actually made it to Mincha, Maariv and Kabbalat Shabbat services, the last of which was highly musical. Had forgotten how powerful a feeling it is to sing when it's a full house.
Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.
There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.
Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.
Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.
Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!
Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.
There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.
Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.
Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.
Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!
26 April, 2009
Sem Update
So I chose not to go to seminary this summer, but I am still going to make it to Israel for a few weeks anyway (woohoo!). Financially it would have been impossible, but the main reason is that I received a blessing from my rav to get some certifications done to boost my business. This means spending more time working for a pay cheque this summer (to pay for said certifications) than studying Toyreh in Yerushalayim would probably bring me the most benefit.
I am frequently told I am at a pretty high level learning-wise, and don't necessarily require a seminary experience, but I still think they're wrong. I will give myself the gift of a proper education when it's within my means.
Currently in the process of packing up my life into boxes and preparing the big move home in May. Looking forward to my father teaching me guitar this summer.
*** THIS JUST IN ***
My Hebrew prof just e-mailed me back reassuring I didn't miss very much while I was sick (what with no school during Pesach) and I over-studied (by a few chapters) for the quiz on Tuesday. Baruch H-Shem.
Now I can relax and catch up on Pirkei Avos. I forgot to read it yesterday (or more like, did not make the time) because I was cramming a few weeks of Modern Hebrew into my small brain in a few hours over Shabbos. I justify studying Hebrew (if only reading, and not writing of course) during Shabbos 'cause Hebrew is considered a divine language, and thus learning it is on par with furthering my Torah knowledge, no?
This calls for a cup of Wissotzky's Mango & Passion Fruit tea (only the best flavour ever).
I am frequently told I am at a pretty high level learning-wise, and don't necessarily require a seminary experience, but I still think they're wrong. I will give myself the gift of a proper education when it's within my means.
Currently in the process of packing up my life into boxes and preparing the big move home in May. Looking forward to my father teaching me guitar this summer.
*** THIS JUST IN ***
My Hebrew prof just e-mailed me back reassuring I didn't miss very much while I was sick (what with no school during Pesach) and I over-studied (by a few chapters) for the quiz on Tuesday. Baruch H-Shem.
Now I can relax and catch up on Pirkei Avos. I forgot to read it yesterday (or more like, did not make the time) because I was cramming a few weeks of Modern Hebrew into my small brain in a few hours over Shabbos. I justify studying Hebrew (if only reading, and not writing of course) during Shabbos 'cause Hebrew is considered a divine language, and thus learning it is on par with furthering my Torah knowledge, no?
This calls for a cup of Wissotzky's Mango & Passion Fruit tea (only the best flavour ever).
04 February, 2009
14 January, 2009
It don't matta'
It doesn't matter why it was the worst New Year's Eve ever, because I don't celebrate it anyway. In fact I spent nine hours that day selling tickets and setting up decorations for some other party that I wasn't going to be attending.
Only to come home and have a year's worth of emotional resentment blow up in my face.
But somehow I'm moving past it, and things are good again.
In 2009 I get to reclaim my life.
HaKodesh Baruch Hu.
Only to come home and have a year's worth of emotional resentment blow up in my face.
But somehow I'm moving past it, and things are good again.
In 2009 I get to reclaim my life.
HaKodesh Baruch Hu.
01 January, 2009
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