More Untzniusness

Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.

A Silver Lining, At Last

Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.

This ain't so bad.

Health Problems

It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.

Great.

Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.

The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.

I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.

After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.

We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.

My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.

At least I am feeling less depressed.

I am happy to report that the test results for HIV and hepatitis all came back negative.

Now, to deal with this high cholesterol and blood in my urine...

Counting Blessings

It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.

It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.

It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.

It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.

I wonder what drove him to it.

In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.

So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.

I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.

Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.