Well, still haven't heard from my therapist and it's almost been a week. I'm not sure what to make of the situation but I'm going to call my psychiatrist and book an appointment to see what's what.
It hurts me to know I need long-term therapy when my psychiatrist said this would only be short-term. I've been receiving psychiatric care for the past decade and nothing important has ever been dealt with, but lots of pills have been prescribed.
Thank G-d I am drug-free now, but I feel like so much of my life has been wasted on useless pursuits and being put through the psychiatric system.
Why am I only getting the help I need now?
13 May, 2010
09 May, 2010
Therapy
Started rape counseling this past week. Did not expect CBT to be this painful.
But we barely touched on the rape, in fact much of the first appointment dug deeper into my past. I left in tears because we confronted my having been taken out of my home for neglect and how my parents dressed it up in lies to make it seem like they weren't at fault for anything, and how I believed them for so long.
And I made the stupid mistake of telling the truth when my father asked how my appointment went. His only response was that I should keep the conversations I have with my therapist to myself. Great.
The counselor said she'd get back to me by Friday to let me know if she was the appropriate therapist or not for me, and she never did. So I'm going to assume she hasn't gotten in touch with my psychiatrist yet, because I could tell by her prompting that she thinks I need a therapist who's more, well, observant than her.
Which means I have to start this process all over again with someone else and I'm not really looking forward to that.
But we barely touched on the rape, in fact much of the first appointment dug deeper into my past. I left in tears because we confronted my having been taken out of my home for neglect and how my parents dressed it up in lies to make it seem like they weren't at fault for anything, and how I believed them for so long.
And I made the stupid mistake of telling the truth when my father asked how my appointment went. His only response was that I should keep the conversations I have with my therapist to myself. Great.
The counselor said she'd get back to me by Friday to let me know if she was the appropriate therapist or not for me, and she never did. So I'm going to assume she hasn't gotten in touch with my psychiatrist yet, because I could tell by her prompting that she thinks I need a therapist who's more, well, observant than her.
Which means I have to start this process all over again with someone else and I'm not really looking forward to that.
03 May, 2010
What Derech?
It's a good thing this blog has no readers, because I should be able to speak freely here.
Well, lots of things have happened in the past few months that set off a serious bout of depression and anxiety in me. It probably started when my uncle died, then I lost both my jobs, then I was raped by someone supposedly hiring me for a job, then my grandmother died, and in the interim I had several respiratory infections, a bladder infection, I injured my back from falling down stairs after being drugged and raped, and to top it all off, my cat died last week.
Actually, it gets better.
My jadedness towards life had become so bad that I started to slowly abandon Orthodox Judaism but keep up the image of it. I know I was rejected by the seminary I applied to because I don't "fit in" and that has also contributed to my having left the derech. But as someone once said, it's best not to go too far. I still believe, but I'm so depressed keeping mitzvot has no pleasure any more. Though in more recent times I have begun to question everything including my belief in Hashem. It frightens me when things get bad and even my emuna is shaken.
And it gets even better...
So, part of my off-the-derechness was completely ignoring the Omer restrictions and breaking Shabbat in private (I hate openly breaking Shabbat, as hypocritical as that sounds). I would go out and party every week, and self-medicate with booze and other unmentionables.
I think somewhere along the way I damaged several interpersonal relationships and now people are ignoring and avoiding me. I know I've pissed off a number of people and they just want nothing to do with me. It hurts because I know that no matter the circumstances, the spoken word is like the spent arrow and never comes back.
So I won't be going to Israel this year, and I'm unsure where I fit into Orthodoxy any more, if it all. For reasons I can't get into, I just don't believe that within the Orthodox framework I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am.
I'm too damaged.
Well, lots of things have happened in the past few months that set off a serious bout of depression and anxiety in me. It probably started when my uncle died, then I lost both my jobs, then I was raped by someone supposedly hiring me for a job, then my grandmother died, and in the interim I had several respiratory infections, a bladder infection, I injured my back from falling down stairs after being drugged and raped, and to top it all off, my cat died last week.
Actually, it gets better.
My jadedness towards life had become so bad that I started to slowly abandon Orthodox Judaism but keep up the image of it. I know I was rejected by the seminary I applied to because I don't "fit in" and that has also contributed to my having left the derech. But as someone once said, it's best not to go too far. I still believe, but I'm so depressed keeping mitzvot has no pleasure any more. Though in more recent times I have begun to question everything including my belief in Hashem. It frightens me when things get bad and even my emuna is shaken.
And it gets even better...
So, part of my off-the-derechness was completely ignoring the Omer restrictions and breaking Shabbat in private (I hate openly breaking Shabbat, as hypocritical as that sounds). I would go out and party every week, and self-medicate with booze and other unmentionables.
I think somewhere along the way I damaged several interpersonal relationships and now people are ignoring and avoiding me. I know I've pissed off a number of people and they just want nothing to do with me. It hurts because I know that no matter the circumstances, the spoken word is like the spent arrow and never comes back.
So I won't be going to Israel this year, and I'm unsure where I fit into Orthodoxy any more, if it all. For reasons I can't get into, I just don't believe that within the Orthodox framework I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am.
I'm too damaged.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
