Man, it's been ages since I've updated this thing. I've gone back and re-read some old posts and man, have I ever been lying to myself about a lot of things. Take for instance my ex. Like I have painted him out to be this amazing guy when he was not. I got so angry I deleted these posts immediately.
Lately I've been fighting sadness by replacing it with anger. For years I've not let myself properly release this energy and I don't really know why except for some underlying abuse trauma.
This evening my dad showed me his chest x-rays when I got home, and his heart is twice the size it should be, but luckily his lungs aren't filling with fluid. His congestion and coughing fits are getting worse, and I'm glad I finally made the decision to stop smoking pot and thus stop smoking with him.
Looking at those x-rays made me well up with tears and I tried to hide them from my father. I worry so much he's going to be gone soon. Gone before I get married or ever have my first child. Just typing this is making me cry.
I feel so very alone.
At least school is starting up again and I can immerse myself in studies and working two jobs.
27 August, 2009
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