There's just no other way to put it, really. Earlier this year I lost a friend to drunk driving, and nobody saw it coming. He had so much going for him-- he was about to graduate and had so many hobbies and friends and just impacted life around him so positively.
He was on my Birthright trip and when he died, I was shocked how so many from the trip came to honour his memory. Over 1000 people showed up in total, ranging from school friends, to fitness students, teachers, and parents of friends who could not make it. It was awe inspiring.
I cried so much. So, very much.
My fondest memory of him was when we visited the artist's quarter of Tzfat and he donned tefillin for the very first time in his life. He came back with this sparkle in his eyes yelling "I just got bar mitzvah'd guys!"
I think from that moment onward he was going to start considering Judaism seriously and I love being there to witness that moment. Just like someone told me they were moved by how much I cried my first time at the Kotel.
Call it indoctrination or not, it is quite something to behold a disconnected Jew embrace their Judaism again after a lifetime of spiritual exile. A lot of people are secretly yearning for that magical experience on these trips-- they are already looking for spirituality. It doesn't just hit them by surprise. The jaded ones will almost always remain jaded and not buy most of what we're supposedly being "sold."
But I have always found that attitude appallingly negative.
As someone who was inspired by my first trip to Israel, I feel like it gave me a chance to see that it is OK, that it is permissible to want to be Jewish to one's fullest potential.
All my life having this knowledge of an identity and having no outlet for it really struck me in Israel. The fact that a cab driver said "Baruch Hashem" to me because I hail from Toronto, and there are a lot of Jews there, just made me want to cry because there is nowhere else in the world but Israel I would hear something like that.
And it makes me a little giddy to think about how I will be going back there next week to reunite myself with that feeling again, even if for only a little while.
Yoni, I promise to make the most of this trip for you up there in HaShomayim because I know you wanted to do this one too.
26 May, 2009
25 May, 2009
Shavuos
This year for Shavuos I am going to be with my family. On Thursday morning I make the official move home and after that I'm going to prepare the meal at my sister's.
My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.
I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.
My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.
I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.
There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.
My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.
I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.
My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.
I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.
There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.
24 May, 2009
Artsy Fartsy
My job is a lot of fun, mainly because it is based in a creative element and allows me to be a little artsy. My boss is a bit of a shark, but is also a total riot and acknowledges good work with good words and good money (usually I find it's one or the other with most bosses).
She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.
Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.
It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.
Life is good.
She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.
Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.
It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.
It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.
Life is good.
21 May, 2009
Money-money-money-money.... MUHHHH-NAY!
So at long last the school year is over and I can look forward to summer. This means back to working 15 hour days.
I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.
Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.
As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.
I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"
While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.
Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.
I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.
Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.
As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.
I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"
While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.
Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.
18 May, 2009
Je m'excuse, mais....
Clairement, je manifest les attributs des gens Français maintenant.
Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.
Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.
Bonne nuitée.
Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.
Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.
Bonne nuitée.
17 May, 2009
Help
The fights are getting to be too much. Every week we have at least one explosive fight with each other usually ending in him leaving.
Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"
I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.
But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.
I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.
Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.
Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.
Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"
I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.
But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.
I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.
Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.
Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.
16 May, 2009
15 May, 2009
I can't seem to motivate myself to study. Just wanna be in Israel... Only a little over three weeks away... Ahhh....
Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.
Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.
GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.
Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.
GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!
03 May, 2009
Shavua Tov and Small Miracles
Shabbos dinner with the Chassidishe rabbi was most inspirational. Actually made it to Mincha, Maariv and Kabbalat Shabbat services, the last of which was highly musical. Had forgotten how powerful a feeling it is to sing when it's a full house.
Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.
There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.
Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.
Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.
Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!
Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.
There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.
Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.
Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.
Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
