Sia, Your Lyrics Ring True to Me

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

The Power of Prayer

OK, so honestly for the past two weeks I've really upped my level of davening after a lapse of complete abandonment for about six weeks since my uncle died. When I stopped davening I noticed every aspect of my life beginning to turn to utter shit. It was amazing to behold and part of me recognized the correlation between my lack of emuna and crappiness of existence long before I allowed it to manifest as badly as it did.

When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!

When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.

Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.

Baruch Hashem.

I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.

Hashem is truly taking care of me.

More Untzniusness

Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.

A Silver Lining, At Last

Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.

This ain't so bad.

Health Problems

It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.

Great.

Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.

The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.

I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.

After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.

We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.

My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.

At least I am feeling less depressed.

I am happy to report that the test results for HIV and hepatitis all came back negative.

Now, to deal with this high cholesterol and blood in my urine...

Counting Blessings

It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.

It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.

It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.

It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.

I wonder what drove him to it.

In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.

So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.

I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.

Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.

Emuna

I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.

Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.

Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.

There is always next time.

Starting to recede back into that "I really shouldn't breed" mentality again.

Feh

Just go away.

May You Live in Interesing Times Pt. 2

Uncle passed away this week, and there's no money to bury him. He was never close to me but it's sad to see my grandmother having to bury a child and then all this religious bullshit coming into play about how he should be buried.

My father's parents are/were Romanian Orthodox Christian and don't believe in cremation, just like Jews. My grandmother also wants all the Romanian Orthodox hokum to be present at the funeral and lately has been urging my parents to baptize my sister and I, even though neither one of my parents really believes in G-d or an afterlife but told us that through Mom we're Jewish and not to expect anything from them religiously.

For reasons I can't get into, I actually want to attend the funeral for the pure spectacle of it all, as bad as that sounds.

I'm sorry you're gone, but I really think you're in a much better place now.

Oh, and I dropped a heavy textbook on my foot yesterday and it's so freaking tender I think the bone is a little bruised on one of my toes. It left behind an ugly mark. Dad said I should take a day off jogging and not aggravate an injury so I'm going to heed his warning and not exercise. Which sucks for me 'cause Yom Tov this weekend will inevitable mean overeating as well. Hopefully my toe will be on the mend by next week.

I'm addicted to this whole exercising and eating whatever I want routine, and don't want to stop!

I Guess You Could Say I Just Don't Give a Fuck

Well, it is officially Reading Week and it's time to get my drink on. Already well into a bottle of Cuban rum, and then tomorrow I'm gonna drink at a bar then who knows what's in store for Simchas Torah this weekend...

Worst of all I'm such an alcoholic I will drink a boatload of liquor one night and then go jog 5km the next morning. Nothing cures a hangover quite like intense cardio.

Promised myself I wouldn't fall off the wagon this semester, but I guess old habits die hard.

Fuck it.

The Unhappy Person Asks "Why?"

Why can't I seem to just get over you?

Why must the heart want what the heart wants?

Why do I let myself be fooled again and again and again?

Why do I let myself be used?

Why don't I just walk away from the pain?

Why won't it just end?

Why won't I grow?

How Jogging is Saving My Life

A week before Rosh Hashanah I quit smoking, and two days after quitting smoking I started jogging again. Only weeks later I am up to jogging 5k three days a week and I'm really enjoying it.

Dad is warning me not to enjoy it too much and push myself too hard. Says I shouldn't increase distance for the next few months, just work on improving what I'm already doing until it's incredibly easy. Apparently younger people are the most prone to overrunning because they think they can just push themselves so hard without injury. I really want to train for a race, but I think for now I'm going to just work on improving my fitness level.

It's great to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain any weight. While I'm not losing tonnes of weight my belly is starting to shrink a bit so at the very least I'm toning up and burning some fat. Definitely have more energy lately than I think I've had in years.

The anti-depressant effects have been amazing. A lot of life's hard blows have been washed away during and after a good jog. It's helped me to centre my focus and deal with a lot of my problems. Not to mention I look forward to it. Honestly don't know why I stopped for so long after recovering from sciatica. It's been one of the few things keeping me going.

Too many negative things have happened recently that there needs to be some beacon of light in my lonely world. I don't have anyone to cuddle. Friends are never around. I let people use me. Most days I feel like a number or a cog.

Jogging is one of the rare times I get to be me. It's the time when I can put on my runners, rock a tznius workout friendly outfit and listen to whatever I want on the iPod (lately it's been French electro). Or the ritual of my mid-jog break to stop for water at the park fountain and say shehakol over the precious liquid. The breezes Hashem sends me right when I need cooling off. Watching the leaves change with the season-- green, yellow, orange, red, maroon. The crisp Canadian morning air. The list goes on. Every time I go jogging I find something new to appreciate.

I think I will try to use this space to expand upon that list.

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur was inspiring but I wish that all my sins were truly wiped away, as I feel they were not. I could get into it, but I won't.

How did I let this happen?

REM, You Pull My Emo Heart Strings This Motzei Shabbos

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

Atonement

In the spirit of Yom Kippur approaching, I'm in the mood to write about how I used to be the world's biggest pothead. Like we're talking really bad. Smoking three, sometimes ten joints a day. I could go through a half ounce every week if you let me. It was bad, and I will admit I was psychologically addicted especially since I was using it to self-medicate.

In the past few months I've taken various steps to give up my expensive habit but temptation rears its ugly head every so often. It doesn't win any more. You just couldn't convince me to open my wallet ever again to waste money on stupidity herb.

But it's funny because today I was noticing the pocket knife from Afghanistan some hippie gave me at a festival last year, and it got me to thinking about those shiurim that talk about finding the best purpose in objects, and then ourselves.

"You could use this shtender to break a window, or you could place sfarim or shiur notes on it, optimizing its use."

So when I think of Afghanistan, besides the Taliban and our Canadian troops being stationed there I think about hash and opium.

Clearly this knife's best purpose is not to hunt, as the blade is neither serrated or very long and is quite thin.

Nope, I think this blade was meant to glean hash either from the plants, hands, or even your little coffee grinder lined with cannabis trichomes (basically the essence of hash) ready to be scraped and smoked. That's really the only purpose it ever served me.

Just a thought.

Oh, and I'm up to jogging 5km now with just the mid-jog break to breathe and drink from the fountain. I feel slimmer but have stayed at the same weight, I think that means my muscle tone is coming back. Woohoo!

Would like to train for a 5k or 8k maybe in the next year or so.

May You Live in Interesting Times...

Came home from an inspirational Rosh Hashana in the community to my father sicker than ever. He can't breathe, is coughing up blood and his lungs are filling up with fluid from the congestive heart failure.

So he was admitted to emergency last night and they're keeping him there for at least a few days this week and will be pumping him full of diuretics.

I'm not sure just how sick he has to be before they give him a transplant, but it has to be really bad since apparently having a heart that can't get any bigger and all the above mentioned symptoms aren't enough.

It truly frightens me to see him in the state requiring a transplant.

But the Jewish community never fails to amaze me when they band together to pray for the sick. Since last night I've received numerous notes from people telling me they are praying for my family and it is very reassuring.

I don't know what I'd do without such wonderful people in my life. Really, I'd be completely lost.

Tears for Fears Currently Describes My Emo State

I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention
You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I'm lost in admiration could I need you this much
Oh, you're wasting my time
You're just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away

I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of your future
With one foot in the past now just how long will it last
No, no, no, have you no ambition
My mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean in air
And dreaming I'm a doctor
It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
Oh I feel so...

Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away

And this my four leaf clover
I'm on the line, one open mind
This is my four leaf clover
In my mind's eye
One little boy, one little man
Funny how time flies

Confessions of a Jewish Nanny

After giving my rebbetzin's son a bath this evening, we put him to bed together by singing HaMalach HaGoel in a beautiful harmony. It was very special to me to be able to share such a mommy thing with her. It makes me happy to be able to help them out this way, and it hardly feels like work since the kids are absolutely wonderful.

I don't know what I did to become so blessed, but thank you, Hashem, nonetheless.

Feeling Better

Well, I managed to jog 4km this morning and only stopped once in the park to drink from a fountain i.e. no walking breaks. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself right now that my body's endurance went up that much in only two days. Did I mention I only quit smoking four days ago?

While jogging I noticed how much my sense of smell has improved in only a few days as I took in all the delicious fragrances of the gardens I would pass along my route. It was kind of transcendental to recite shehakol over the fountain while high in the zone. Oh, Hashem, your blessings are truly endless.

Really needed the endorphin rush today seeing as I am babysitting two small children this afternoon and then heading to a three hour math lecture tonight.

Feeling a lot less sorry for myself than I was last night.

Time to get some food in this earthly vessel of mine.

Why do I set myself up for this over and over again?

I feel so stupid and completely used.

As a friend once said, if only they made lipstick and hair dye that gave women equality instead of making them sex objects.

After a good night's sleep, I'm going to take out my frustration and disappointment on a serious workout.

Not much else I can do except take care of myself, exercise and pray that Hashem gives me the clarity to decipher the message from this experience.

Slichot for My Body

Well, it's been two days without a cigarette and I don't have any cravings to speak of just yet. This morning I woke up around 6am to go for a jog, and managed about 3.5km around my neighbourhood. Though to be fair, I took 50m walking breaks and walked at least a couple hundred meters so my blackened lungs would not collapse.

I give myself a pat on the back for at least trying, and know that if I keep this up for at least three mornings a week, soon I will be able to jog or even run the whole route and perhaps extend it in due time.

Oh, and Shabbos was amazing! My rebbetzin is going to help me sort out my papers with the Beit Din this semester as well as take a year off my university studies to go to seminary.

Good morning, indeed!

Time to enjoy these endophins and some breakfast before getting ready for work.

Elul, Rosh Hashana, and Quitting Smoking

My goal for Elul is to stop smoking before Rosh Hashana once I finished the carton from Europe I'd bought at the duty-free. I gave a couple packs away, and countless other cigarettes so I'd make it easier on myself. This morning I smoked my last cigarette and now I'm officially going to quit. No more wasting money on future emphysema. It's time for health!

One of the reasons I quit (besides getting healthy and it being the right thing to do) is so I can go on the pill to control my periods. I've heard the pill can help ease the discomfort, and I would like to give it a shot.

Because I know someone who died from complications of smoking on the pill, I always told myself I would never take it unless I was truly committed to being a non-smoker. So here I am.

That being said, I really do not want to gain a whole bunch of weight and blimp out while taking the pill, so I'm going to use my simultaneous quitting smoking to take on a fitness regimen. There was a time when I used to be in fairly good shape, having been an athlete and I'd like to get back into it.

So whenever I crave a smoke, I'm going to go for a run instead of reaching for food.

Thanks to a certain special person who has given me tonnes of support and encouragement in my recent quitting of a couple vices. Love you.

And what better day to celebrate life than to remember those lost on September 11, 2001. You are all in my prayers.

Shabbat Shalom!!!

Frosh Week

Tonight we had the frosh event at my rabbi's house, and it was a great excuse to be social, eat yummy food and of course babysit their adorable children. While it was very good to get out and catch up with old faces as well as meet new ones, the entire time I couldn't help but think of my friend from Birthright who died in a drunk driving accident on Purim this year. He would have had a blast at this event.

LCD Soundsystem describes my stir of emotions best in the song, Someone Great.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue
Locked in your basement.

I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be a perfect warning
That something's a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice on the other end.

The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done.
It's late for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs to be finished.

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops.
(Repeat x3)
And it keeps coming,
(Repeat x7)
Till the day it stops.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started.
Too late for beginnings.
You're smaller than my wife imagined,
Surprised you were human.
There shouldn't be this ring of silence,
But what are the options?

When someone great is gone.
(Repeat x8)

We're safe for the moment.
Saved,
For the moment.

Well, I'm going to cry a bit now and remember Yoni and the good times we had.

Project Inspired

So I will admit I was rather inspired by that Aish.com book, Triumph. Especially the story about the woman who became religious and had a testy relationship with her sister afterwards until she realized how important it was to strengthen that relationship.

So last night I went and hung out with my sister, something I don't do too often. We chatted for a while, I drank some of her wine and gave her a back rub, then we chatted some more.

She lives right around the corner from us, so I should really take advantage of hanging out with her before she moves at the end of the year with her boyfriend to another town.

I don't want her to ever think that my going religious ever became more important than my relationship with her.

Oh, and I'm down to my last pack of cigarettes. Almost quittin' time!

Workaholism

Lately I've become a workaholic, mainly because I have bills to pay, and the last time I checked nobody else is going to foot the bill for my tuition and books, and getting financial aid is a bitch and I try to avoid it as much as possible.

When I ask Hashem for parnassah I end up getting far more than I expect. Always on the hunt for new sources of income, they tend to find me first.

So, while waiting for a co-worker to arrive so we can head to a festival this morning, our driver tells me of his plan to start importing traditional Chinese artwork and sell it here. He also told me that he'd like my help since my English is much better than his and he sees how hard I work selling the merchandise in my current job.

Apparently flights to China have come down quite a bit as of late, and it's made me consider flying out to Shanghai some time to see what the fuss is about. Perhaps I will enroll in conversational Mandarin to gain a better appreciation of my future work.

Crying on Shabbos is so lame...

Over Shabbos I read one of those Aish books they give out in Israel called Triumph, an anthology of true stories meant to inspire us whiney Jews who think we've got it rough. Well, it worked. At least half the stories made me bawl my farkin' eyes out.

After I finished that book I started The Ransom of the Jews: The Story of the Extraordinary Secret Bargain Between Romania and Israel by Radu Ionid, which discusses the purchasing of Jewish souls to be transported by ship to Israel during the post-Holocaust Communist regime in Romania. Interesting, so far. My father, who isn't halachically Jewish but whose father was Jewish (but denied it for the most part and lived as a Christian) and is Romanian encouraged me to read it. He was telling me how growing up he knew members of the Iron Guard in his church and it irks him to this day to think of what part they may have played in the Romanian Holocaust.

After lunch I went to take my usual nap, but for some reason the tears came before sleep could arrive because as I lay there in solitude I was reminded of my loneliness. I just wanted to be hugged so badly. I rarely get hugs from my own family (I live with them) and the desire for human contact was just so overwhelming for about ten minutes or so.

I shrugged it off as energy needing to be released then crashed for three hours.

My life is otherwise amazing, but I can't seem to get in contact with any of my friends on my days off, and when my friends want to hang out I have to work my shitty job and never have time. It's really getting to me lately.

This week I have more days off than usual, so I'm going to try and get out there some more! Even if it's by myself. Maybe that's my problem. On my days off I spend too much time at home doing laundry, reading or studying math that I don't actually take any real leisurely time. Sure, I enjoy reading books and reviewing math but there's more to life than those things.

Oh, and I am down to my last three packs of duty-free cigarettes from Europe. It is my goal to quit by Rosh Hashana then get back into a proper exercise routine.

SHAVUA TOV!