I Love Canadian Immigrants

People, we'll call them bigots, often complain that this country is over-populated by immigrants. My father is an immigrant, in fact, he had refugee status until he was almost 30 before gaining full citizenship (his parents never bothered to apply for his, I guess). So in being biased, I love immigrants because of what they bring to this mosaic nation. They are hard working and very appreciative of the opportunities available to them in Canada.

Not only that, every time we need to throw out old furniture or household items, within minutes there appears to be some neighbourhood immigrants ready to scoop them up.

Today I'm trying to clear my room of all kinds of useless furniture and crap I no longer need. Much of it is stuff leftover from my previous relationship, some of it is just useless junk that belongs to my family that is in my room. I've been given the go-ahead from my father to get rid of it, and so today I made a huge dent in the pile of rubble that is my room by moving various furniture items onto our front lawn.

An immigrant family down the street took notice of this, and asked if we would be needing this stuff. I told them it would be my pleasure if they would take it, since we no longer require it and the mother really seemed to like this one dining room set I was schlepping to the lawn.

We even helped her move it down the street to her house and she thanked us many times.

It felt good to help out a new family to Canada, and even better that my room is starting to take shape!

Sin

For some reason I'm feeling rather emo today and only Nine Inch Nails can express it.

You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my Purity.
My Purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise?
Am I just too stupid to realize?
Stale incense, old sweat and lies, lies, lies.

[Chorus:]
It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It gets under my skin.
Within.
Take in the extent of my sin

You give me the anger.
You give me the nerve.
Carry out my sentence.
While I get what I deserve.
I'm just an effigy to be disgraced.
To be defaced.
Your need for me has been replaced.
And if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste.

[Chorus]

Shavua Toving

Well, Shabbos was wonderful as usual. Saw some old faces and met some new ones as well. It was a very "global" Shabbos since there were a bunch of out-of-towners visiting so there was definitely some lively discussion.

Three Shabboses this summer I've been asked to hold the Havdalah candle, and it is my understanding it is meant for single girls in the hopes they'll be married off soonish.

I'd kind of like to know more about the origin of this tradition, and its significance. Especially since I told my rabbis/rebbetzins not to set me up with anyone since I've only recently come out of a long term and miserable relationship, I might add.

It boggles my mind that they think I'm anywhere near ready to meet a nice bochur, since I still think I'm in that crazy mourning stage and could probably use a summer away at seminary before really considering dating seriously again. I'm totally over my ex but the scars left behind from the relationship could use some serious spiritual healing.

At least I bonded with a nice girl in a similar situation as me and we've agreed to learn together as well as hang out more this coming semester.

Shavua Tov, indeed.

So apparently I now work for the downtown branch of a kiruv organization in my city. My duties will include babysitting, and assisting with the planning and preparation of events held there.

Last night my rebbetzin showed me how to properly put her son to sleep, and I noticed that she just went on reciting Shema to him regardless of his interruptions. She also sang some other song to him which I think is called, "Melech HaGolah."

I would like to find the words and music to this song so I can learn it too, so at least her son will have what he is used to being sung to him before bedtime.

So far Google has proved useless, and because I'm unmarried I'm not allowed to register as a user on www.imamother.com to ask for help. I'm feeling kind of stuck, so I guess the only thing left to do is ask my rebbetzin herself to teach it to me.

Maybe it's because I grew up secular, but for some reason I can't express how honoured I feel to say Shema with someone else's kid at night. He is so adorable and it feels like good practice for my own Ima status some day in the future.

Anyway, time to stop dilly-dallying and get ready for Shabbos.

Shabbat Shalom!

The Long and Winding Road...

Man, it's been ages since I've updated this thing. I've gone back and re-read some old posts and man, have I ever been lying to myself about a lot of things. Take for instance my ex. Like I have painted him out to be this amazing guy when he was not. I got so angry I deleted these posts immediately.

Lately I've been fighting sadness by replacing it with anger. For years I've not let myself properly release this energy and I don't really know why except for some underlying abuse trauma.

This evening my dad showed me his chest x-rays when I got home, and his heart is twice the size it should be, but luckily his lungs aren't filling with fluid. His congestion and coughing fits are getting worse, and I'm glad I finally made the decision to stop smoking pot and thus stop smoking with him.

Looking at those x-rays made me well up with tears and I tried to hide them from my father. I worry so much he's going to be gone soon. Gone before I get married or ever have my first child. Just typing this is making me cry.

I feel so very alone.

At least school is starting up again and I can immerse myself in studies and working two jobs.