Emuna

I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.

Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.

Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.

There is always next time.