Astronomy Project Results

Here are the fruits of a semester of work to attain a CCD image of the spiral galaxy NGC 3198 in Ursa Major at my school's observatory:

Raw image


Median filter


Reduced image in blue filter


False colour image showing structure


I think the false colour image best illustrates the spiral, yet intermediately ringed structure of this galaxy, not to mention you get a better feel for the bar in its nucleus.

Hamsa Painting

I was feeling inspired by the painting on my blog and tried to recreate it with the lyrics to Adon Olam on it. Oh, and it would appear I came out of UV painting retirement after all. I am painting this piece to sling over my tent at music festivals this summer alongside my Israeli flag. Because it has the name of G-d on it, I need to purchase some waterproofing spray to protect it from the elements of the Laurentian mountains.

Still a work in progress:









The last frame is riddled with spelling errors that had to be painted over and will be corrected later on. I am also trying to build upon a dually chromatic henna-like pattern in some of the space on the hamsa. Definitely need to layer the colours a little more. The eye requires definition which I've begun working on and will photograph probably after Pesach.

Interfaith Relations

You tell me you guess it's a sin to sleep with a Muslim dude,
But I tell you it's not true,
That it's only 'cause I am a Jew
And it's nothing personal against you.

You imply hypocrisy
At the utter simplicity
With which I switch
To abstinence from poly.

But it is that simple I say,
And to you I owe nothing and will not repay.
We fooled around years ago-- the number exactly two,
No, I don't owe a thing, not even to you.

You say it would liberate me
To sleep with you to cure this tragedy--
A blemish so raw on my soul,
But the rape has left a big gaping hole.

One that cannot be filled with meaningless sex--
The way you say I should fuck an ex.
Does this approach work with anyone?
I am not joking, this is not fun.

My parents are planning to separate when all this is through,
My dad is a Gentile and my mother, a Jew.
The pain I've seen them endure over time,
Is one I'd like to prevent by marrying my own kind.

Aromatherapy Stuff

And here is what I have been making and selling the past year:


Soap, lip balm, cuticle balm, and newly added shampoo and hot oil treatment.

Walkabout

Club Land

Memories of Iceland

BDH, Baba

My grandmother and last surviving grandparent passed away this week. She wasn't Jewish, and there's a Romanian Orthodox Christian funeral for her this weekend. I've agreed to break Shabbat to honour my father's wishes, since he wants me to be one of the pallbearers. He said he doesn't care if it is tradition to have only men do it, he wants my sister and I to partake. It's not like I'm going to say no.

While I agreed to break Shabbat, I'm still going to try and keep it to a minimum. I'm frantically cooking simple dishes that can be eaten tepid or cold so we don't have to worry about making food after the viewing tonight.

My parents have done a lot to accommodate my having become a baal teshuva, so I think the least I can do is accommodate my orphaned father.

Well, I have to go finish cooking and then get ready. I think it's safe to say I'll be sitting out of the Purim festivities again this year.

Shabbat Shalom.

Purim

It was my intention to go out for Purim this year, but I just don't think I can muster up the energy. My back injury seems to be getting worse before it gets any better, thanks to falling down icy stairs again. My back is in constant pain, I have had a hard time focusing on my school work, and because of other contributing factors I am under a lot of stress.

Last Purim my friend was killed in a drunk driving accident, and so I just don't feel the party vibe this year.

I want so badly to be part of the community this Purim, but I can't be bothered to do the social thing right now.

Starving Artist

Some people have expressed sadness in me selling my possessions to support my lifestyle, but I find it rather cleansing. Just last week I sold a 17 inch LCD panel that had been only collecting dust for the past nine months since I moved home. I took an inventory of the stuff I have but don't use, and I realized I could make a pretty penny while taking the burden off my parents of what to do with my stuff when I move to Israel.

I have a vast array of expensive textbooks that could probably fund one last trip to a four-day open air summer music festival before I leave.

Besides, the less stuff I own, the easier the move will be. It will only push the permanence factor further than if I made it seem like I had something to come home to if things don't work out.

My parents are actually quite thrilled to have me leave and possibly never come back. They won't admit it, and will hide under the guise of being happy for me, but they are glad to finally be rid of the burden I am to their life. They're just as sick of living with me as I am with them. It's never been a good arrangement. That's why I left home when I was 18.

I haven't actually told my mother, because like every other dream I've had she finds some way to crush it. She only knows of my plans to go for a year and she's supportive of that, but only in small doses. My father knows, and he's stoked for my new life ahead. I think I will tell Mom my plans to make aliyah once I am already in Israel. For once she will learn she doesn't get a say in my life any more.

In other news, my friend who's been in yeshiva for a little over a month now has reported to me that the the girls from the kiruv centre where we all met have completely flipped out, and have become condescending and that he feels uncomfortable talking with them now. I felt bad for having not taken the time to warn him about what happens to the vast majority of girls when they go to seminary. I have been involved with this kiruv organization a lot longer than the rest of them have, and I never felt compelled to hop on the seminary bandwagon until I felt ready to go, and not just because someone told me to go.

The reality is, a lot of girls become religious because they want somewhere to fit in, and somehow they think if they stop touching boys they will be blessed with some magic googiney-goo-goo that will present them a husband, and make it easier to get married to another Jew. The worst are the ones who dabble in Orthodoxy, and as soon as the brainwashing sets in they make an entire religion out of tznius dress (not necessarily behaviour) and shomer negiah.

I hate watching girls go down this path. Because they end up turning into self-righteous assholes and pervert the mission of Judaism.

And these are the ones who will go way overboard too soon, and shortly after their return from Israel will go off the derech because nobody told them (or rather, they were too sheepish and weak to do the research on their own) about the caste system that exists in Orthodoxy, and that there isn't nearly as much room for individual expression as you might think, and if you really believe there is, you will never be able to escape the label "Modern" being attached to you. And we all know how evil the term "Modern" is in black hat circles.

I was warned of these things by my rebbetzen, and told that I need to decide before I am married what kind of education I want my kids to have and what community will I conform to in dress in order not to place my children at risk.

Having my eyes opened to the harsh realities of Haredism turned me off it slightly, and is making me reconsider where I will end up.

Granted, I fancy myself open-minded and will wholeheartedly take a Yeshivishe education and decide for myself later if the lifestyle is for me. I cannot possibly make an informed decision on my hashkafa until I've spent enough time developing one.

Random Art of Mine

My psychedelic sukkah wall, Sukkot 5769 (left portion painted by the Green Kitten):



A painting of mine featured at a rave in 2007. I have no idea who took the photo (I wasn't present at the rave), but it was sent to me by the person who ran the event:



I made these planets for a rave in 2004, and they ended up being recycled for many more club and house parties for a few years thereafter:



I would like to start painting again, but I think I'm going to retire, at least temporarily, my love of UV painting. I have a whole set of oil paints I'd like to explore.

Astronomy

Here are some photos from my observational astronomy labs this semester. I have been collecting data for a project that involves imaging a galaxy using a CCD, or charge-coupled device, on a 40cm telescope at school.

The first is the dark frame, which is a reference point of measuring excited electrons due to electronic noise, heat and cosmic radiation. Winter is prime time for observation, especially here in Canada, because the ambient temperature inside the observatory makes it easier to optimize the cooling system in place to keep the CCD at -40 degrees below ambient. This photo is a five minute exposure with the lens capped.



The second photo is from a different lab, in which we take a shorter exposure of just a few seconds (usually about five) of what is called a flat field. We turn on the flood light inside the dome, uncap the scope lens, aim the telescope at a relatively homogenous section inside the dome, and acquire the image. The doughnut-shaped figures in the image are particles of dust on the CCD.



These laboratory exercises allow us to measure and take into account the effects due to unwanted excitation of electrons in the CCD, and also to understand what problems may arise in the optics of our equipment. Tackling these two problems will allow us to produce the best quality galactic image possible to analyze in our study.

More photos to follow as further data is acquired for the project.

Sia, Your Lyrics Ring True to Me

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

The Power of Prayer

OK, so honestly for the past two weeks I've really upped my level of davening after a lapse of complete abandonment for about six weeks since my uncle died. When I stopped davening I noticed every aspect of my life beginning to turn to utter shit. It was amazing to behold and part of me recognized the correlation between my lack of emuna and crappiness of existence long before I allowed it to manifest as badly as it did.

When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!

When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.

Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.

Baruch Hashem.

I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.

Hashem is truly taking care of me.

More Untzniusness

Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.

A Silver Lining, At Last

Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.

This ain't so bad.

Health Problems

It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.

Great.

Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.

The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.

I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.

After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.

We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.

My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.

At least I am feeling less depressed.

I am happy to report that the test results for HIV and hepatitis all came back negative.

Now, to deal with this high cholesterol and blood in my urine...

Counting Blessings

It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.

It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.

It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.

It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.

I wonder what drove him to it.

In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.

So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.

I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.

Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.

Emuna

I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.

Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.

Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.

There is always next time.

Starting to recede back into that "I really shouldn't breed" mentality again.

Feh

Just go away.

May You Live in Interesing Times Pt. 2

Uncle passed away this week, and there's no money to bury him. He was never close to me but it's sad to see my grandmother having to bury a child and then all this religious bullshit coming into play about how he should be buried.

My father's parents are/were Romanian Orthodox Christian and don't believe in cremation, just like Jews. My grandmother also wants all the Romanian Orthodox hokum to be present at the funeral and lately has been urging my parents to baptize my sister and I, even though neither one of my parents really believes in G-d or an afterlife but told us that through Mom we're Jewish and not to expect anything from them religiously.

For reasons I can't get into, I actually want to attend the funeral for the pure spectacle of it all, as bad as that sounds.

I'm sorry you're gone, but I really think you're in a much better place now.

Oh, and I dropped a heavy textbook on my foot yesterday and it's so freaking tender I think the bone is a little bruised on one of my toes. It left behind an ugly mark. Dad said I should take a day off jogging and not aggravate an injury so I'm going to heed his warning and not exercise. Which sucks for me 'cause Yom Tov this weekend will inevitable mean overeating as well. Hopefully my toe will be on the mend by next week.

I'm addicted to this whole exercising and eating whatever I want routine, and don't want to stop!

The Unhappy Person Asks "Why?"

Why can't I seem to just get over you?

Why must the heart want what the heart wants?

Why do I let myself be fooled again and again and again?

Why do I let myself be used?

Why don't I just walk away from the pain?

Why won't it just end?

Why won't I grow?

How Jogging is Saving My Life

A week before Rosh Hashanah I quit smoking, and two days after quitting smoking I started jogging again. Only weeks later I am up to jogging 5k three days a week and I'm really enjoying it.

Dad is warning me not to enjoy it too much and push myself too hard. Says I shouldn't increase distance for the next few months, just work on improving what I'm already doing until it's incredibly easy. Apparently younger people are the most prone to overrunning because they think they can just push themselves so hard without injury. I really want to train for a race, but I think for now I'm going to just work on improving my fitness level.

It's great to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain any weight. While I'm not losing tonnes of weight my belly is starting to shrink a bit so at the very least I'm toning up and burning some fat. Definitely have more energy lately than I think I've had in years.

The anti-depressant effects have been amazing. A lot of life's hard blows have been washed away during and after a good jog. It's helped me to centre my focus and deal with a lot of my problems. Not to mention I look forward to it. Honestly don't know why I stopped for so long after recovering from sciatica. It's been one of the few things keeping me going.

Too many negative things have happened recently that there needs to be some beacon of light in my lonely world. I don't have anyone to cuddle. Friends are never around. I let people use me. Most days I feel like a number or a cog.

Jogging is one of the rare times I get to be me. It's the time when I can put on my runners, rock a tznius workout friendly outfit and listen to whatever I want on the iPod (lately it's been French electro). Or the ritual of my mid-jog break to stop for water at the park fountain and say shehakol over the precious liquid. The breezes Hashem sends me right when I need cooling off. Watching the leaves change with the season-- green, yellow, orange, red, maroon. The crisp Canadian morning air. The list goes on. Every time I go jogging I find something new to appreciate.

I think I will try to use this space to expand upon that list.

Yom Kippur

Yom Kippur was inspiring but I wish that all my sins were truly wiped away, as I feel they were not. I could get into it, but I won't.

How did I let this happen?

REM, You Pull My Emo Heart Strings This Motzei Shabbos

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

Atonement

In the spirit of Yom Kippur approaching, I'm in the mood to write about how I used to be the world's biggest pothead. Like we're talking really bad. Smoking three, sometimes ten joints a day. I could go through a half ounce every week if you let me. It was bad, and I will admit I was psychologically addicted especially since I was using it to self-medicate.

In the past few months I've taken various steps to give up my expensive habit but temptation rears its ugly head every so often. It doesn't win any more. You just couldn't convince me to open my wallet ever again to waste money on stupidity herb.

But it's funny because today I was noticing the pocket knife from Afghanistan some hippie gave me at a festival last year, and it got me to thinking about those shiurim that talk about finding the best purpose in objects, and then ourselves.

"You could use this shtender to break a window, or you could place sfarim or shiur notes on it, optimizing its use."

So when I think of Afghanistan, besides the Taliban and our Canadian troops being stationed there I think about hash and opium.

Clearly this knife's best purpose is not to hunt, as the blade is neither serrated or very long and is quite thin.

Nope, I think this blade was meant to glean hash either from the plants, hands, or even your little coffee grinder lined with cannabis trichomes (basically the essence of hash) ready to be scraped and smoked. That's really the only purpose it ever served me.

Just a thought.

Oh, and I'm up to jogging 5km now with just the mid-jog break to breathe and drink from the fountain. I feel slimmer but have stayed at the same weight, I think that means my muscle tone is coming back. Woohoo!

Would like to train for a 5k or 8k maybe in the next year or so.