Starving Artist

Some people have expressed sadness in me selling my possessions to support my lifestyle, but I find it rather cleansing. Just last week I sold a 17 inch LCD panel that had been only collecting dust for the past nine months since I moved home. I took an inventory of the stuff I have but don't use, and I realized I could make a pretty penny while taking the burden off my parents of what to do with my stuff when I move to Israel.

I have a vast array of expensive textbooks that could probably fund one last trip to a four-day open air summer music festival before I leave.

Besides, the less stuff I own, the easier the move will be. It will only push the permanence factor further than if I made it seem like I had something to come home to if things don't work out.

My parents are actually quite thrilled to have me leave and possibly never come back. They won't admit it, and will hide under the guise of being happy for me, but they are glad to finally be rid of the burden I am to their life. They're just as sick of living with me as I am with them. It's never been a good arrangement. That's why I left home when I was 18.

I haven't actually told my mother, because like every other dream I've had she finds some way to crush it. She only knows of my plans to go for a year and she's supportive of that, but only in small doses. My father knows, and he's stoked for my new life ahead. I think I will tell Mom my plans to make aliyah once I am already in Israel. For once she will learn she doesn't get a say in my life any more.

In other news, my friend who's been in yeshiva for a little over a month now has reported to me that the the girls from the kiruv centre where we all met have completely flipped out, and have become condescending and that he feels uncomfortable talking with them now. I felt bad for having not taken the time to warn him about what happens to the vast majority of girls when they go to seminary. I have been involved with this kiruv organization a lot longer than the rest of them have, and I never felt compelled to hop on the seminary bandwagon until I felt ready to go, and not just because someone told me to go.

The reality is, a lot of girls become religious because they want somewhere to fit in, and somehow they think if they stop touching boys they will be blessed with some magic googiney-goo-goo that will present them a husband, and make it easier to get married to another Jew. The worst are the ones who dabble in Orthodoxy, and as soon as the brainwashing sets in they make an entire religion out of tznius dress (not necessarily behaviour) and shomer negiah.

I hate watching girls go down this path. Because they end up turning into self-righteous assholes and pervert the mission of Judaism.

And these are the ones who will go way overboard too soon, and shortly after their return from Israel will go off the derech because nobody told them (or rather, they were too sheepish and weak to do the research on their own) about the caste system that exists in Orthodoxy, and that there isn't nearly as much room for individual expression as you might think, and if you really believe there is, you will never be able to escape the label "Modern" being attached to you. And we all know how evil the term "Modern" is in black hat circles.

I was warned of these things by my rebbetzen, and told that I need to decide before I am married what kind of education I want my kids to have and what community will I conform to in dress in order not to place my children at risk.

Having my eyes opened to the harsh realities of Haredism turned me off it slightly, and is making me reconsider where I will end up.

Granted, I fancy myself open-minded and will wholeheartedly take a Yeshivishe education and decide for myself later if the lifestyle is for me. I cannot possibly make an informed decision on my hashkafa until I've spent enough time developing one.