I Hate Drunk Driving

There's just no other way to put it, really. Earlier this year I lost a friend to drunk driving, and nobody saw it coming. He had so much going for him-- he was about to graduate and had so many hobbies and friends and just impacted life around him so positively.

He was on my Birthright trip and when he died, I was shocked how so many from the trip came to honour his memory. Over 1000 people showed up in total, ranging from school friends, to fitness students, teachers, and parents of friends who could not make it. It was awe inspiring.

I cried so much. So, very much.

My fondest memory of him was when we visited the artist's quarter of Tzfat and he donned tefillin for the very first time in his life. He came back with this sparkle in his eyes yelling "I just got bar mitzvah'd guys!"

I think from that moment onward he was going to start considering Judaism seriously and I love being there to witness that moment. Just like someone told me they were moved by how much I cried my first time at the Kotel.

Call it indoctrination or not, it is quite something to behold a disconnected Jew embrace their Judaism again after a lifetime of spiritual exile. A lot of people are secretly yearning for that magical experience on these trips-- they are already looking for spirituality. It doesn't just hit them by surprise. The jaded ones will almost always remain jaded and not buy most of what we're supposedly being "sold."

But I have always found that attitude appallingly negative.

As someone who was inspired by my first trip to Israel, I feel like it gave me a chance to see that it is OK, that it is permissible to want to be Jewish to one's fullest potential.

All my life having this knowledge of an identity and having no outlet for it really struck me in Israel. The fact that a cab driver said "Baruch Hashem" to me because I hail from Toronto, and there are a lot of Jews there, just made me want to cry because there is nowhere else in the world but Israel I would hear something like that.

And it makes me a little giddy to think about how I will be going back there next week to reunite myself with that feeling again, even if for only a little while.

Yoni, I promise to make the most of this trip for you up there in HaShomayim because I know you wanted to do this one too.

Shavuos

This year for Shavuos I am going to be with my family. On Thursday morning I make the official move home and after that I'm going to prepare the meal at my sister's.

My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.

I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.

My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.

I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.

There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.

Artsy Fartsy

My job is a lot of fun, mainly because it is based in a creative element and allows me to be a little artsy. My boss is a bit of a shark, but is also a total riot and acknowledges good work with good words and good money (usually I find it's one or the other with most bosses).

She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.

Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.

It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.

It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.

Life is good.

Money-money-money-money.... MUHHHH-NAY!

So at long last the school year is over and I can look forward to summer. This means back to working 15 hour days.

I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.

Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.

As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.

I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"

While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.

Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.

Je m'excuse, mais....

Clairement, je manifest les attributs des gens Français maintenant.

Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.

Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.

Bonne nuitée.

Help

The fights are getting to be too much. Every week we have at least one explosive fight with each other usually ending in him leaving.

Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"

I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.

But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.

I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.

Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.

Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.

I can't seem to motivate myself to study. Just wanna be in Israel... Only a little over three weeks away... Ahhh....

Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.

Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.

GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!

Shavua Tov and Small Miracles

Shabbos dinner with the Chassidishe rabbi was most inspirational. Actually made it to Mincha, Maariv and Kabbalat Shabbat services, the last of which was highly musical. Had forgotten how powerful a feeling it is to sing when it's a full house.

Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.

There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.

Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.

Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.

Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!

Sem Update

So I chose not to go to seminary this summer, but I am still going to make it to Israel for a few weeks anyway (woohoo!). Financially it would have been impossible, but the main reason is that I received a blessing from my rav to get some certifications done to boost my business. This means spending more time working for a pay cheque this summer (to pay for said certifications) than studying Toyreh in Yerushalayim would probably bring me the most benefit.

I am frequently told I am at a pretty high level learning-wise, and don't necessarily require a seminary experience, but I still think they're wrong. I will give myself the gift of a proper education when it's within my means.

Currently in the process of packing up my life into boxes and preparing the big move home in May. Looking forward to my father teaching me guitar this summer.

*** THIS JUST IN ***

My Hebrew prof just e-mailed me back reassuring I didn't miss very much while I was sick (what with no school during Pesach) and I over-studied (by a few chapters) for the quiz on Tuesday. Baruch H-Shem.

Now I can relax and catch up on Pirkei Avos. I forgot to read it yesterday (or more like, did not make the time) because I was cramming a few weeks of Modern Hebrew into my small brain in a few hours over Shabbos. I justify studying Hebrew (if only reading, and not writing of course) during Shabbos 'cause Hebrew is considered a divine language, and thus learning it is on par with furthering my Torah knowledge, no?

This calls for a cup of Wissotzky's Mango & Passion Fruit tea (only the best flavour ever).

It don't matta'

It doesn't matter why it was the worst New Year's Eve ever, because I don't celebrate it anyway. In fact I spent nine hours that day selling tickets and setting up decorations for some other party that I wasn't going to be attending.

Only to come home and have a year's worth of emotional resentment blow up in my face.

But somehow I'm moving past it, and things are good again.

In 2009 I get to reclaim my life.

HaKodesh Baruch Hu.

Worst New Year's Eve ever.

Hanukkah Rising

Aromatherapy

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the Aromatherapy Institute and purchase soap-making supplies, as well as inquire about enrolling in courses for their programs in holistic health care.

The start-up fee is only $200, which isn't bad, since the numbers show that amount could create over 300 bars of natural specialty soap.

And so far the process of writing down all my ideas for recipes has been exhilarating, to say the least.

It will also be fun to give out free samples to people and get their feedback before I consider selling them on a serious basis (it's been a few years since I've made soap, so I need to practice). But the soap I did make was sold through the Children's Aid Society, so I thought it might be worth it to try my hand at it again.

My friend is also going to be taking courses with me in the new year, and we hope to have a modest line of skin care items for sale in the summer. She wants to specialize in natural make-up, whereas I am big on soaps, creams, shampoos, and spa facial treatments.

We were even thinking of aiming for a merchant booth at Eclipse Festival or some other summer music fest that would get us some exposure.

And it seems the most logical next step is to add some charity influence to the sales. One charity I came across recently particularly moved me, and it was a fund that supports a girls' orphanage in Israel. Since beauty products are quite girly to begin with, it made perfect sense to me to empower disadvantaged Jewish women of tomorrow.

Also, since it's specialty soap that's eco-friendly, there are two reasons people can feel good when buying it.

Oh, and I'm glad I didn't throw out my flame retardant lab coat and goggles from my first year chemistry lab while cleaning recently. They will come in handy tomorrow!

I will post pictures of the work in progress.

Lyla tov.

Kibbutz Ha'on

Somewhere in the Middle East, that is Israel, on the south-eastern shore of the Sea of Galilee, near the borders between Syria and Jordan lies a beautiful kibbutz village called Ha'on.

Here are some highlights from my first overnight encounter with Eretz Yisrael.

Looking at these photos instantly sends me back my stay there. Drinking fruity Golani wine, dancing and singing along to The Doors and Bob Marley coming from the patio bar stereo, and gazing across the water to Tiberias. I remember how connected to H-shem I felt. Also, it was clear as crystal to see the Kabbalistic connection between Northern Israel and the element of water. The emotional intensity of being somewhere that instantly felt like home was unreal. It actually brought me to tears on the second night, while chilling by the water with some of my trip mates.

We were discussing our identities as Jews and Canadians, and which we see first when identifying ourselves and why. I mentioned the pull from my grandmother (who is now passed on) to come to Israel, and how I think she would have wanted this.

The next day, after crying (again) from trancing out at the Kotel (Western Wall) over Tehillim (Psalms), our Israeli tour guide told me my grandmother is probably very proud of me right now.

I hope he is right.

*taps mic* Is this thing on?

It was advised to me recently that I should start blogging my thoughts, due to me being in the "flamer" phase of becoming a baal teshuva, or returnee to Orthodox Judaism.

It's hard to gain the support of family and friends when you've gone from being a drug using hippie to Torah studying, siddur reading, skirt wearing BT in less than a year.

It was told to me to try and avoid taking on too much at once, for it is very possible to burn out after becoming a flamer.

And there was a time, around Pesach this past year, when I was still wearing pants a few days of the week, where I told myself I'd never just flip like that. No, I'd be one of those people who takes years and years of careful consideration and study before committing to all these mitzvot.

But after a while it became less of a chore, or tourist experience and more of a joy for which to look forward, especially since returning from Israel for the first time this past summer. I can see now why observant Jews literally live for the experience of Shabbat. It is a beautiful day to reflect upon the week that just ended, and the one that is about to start.

Hopefully I will find the catharsis I am looking for during this difficult transition into a new chapter of life. All other online outlets I've tried have failed miserably thus far, and it is surely my duty to maintain this space as a conduit for positivity, and not reckless loshon hora.

Shabbat Shalom.