Argh...

I miss you so much it hurts.
Finally I meet a nice Jewish boy and I go and screw things up.
When will I ever learn?
Will we ever be friends now?
I just want to see you.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hold you.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Please come back.

Hula Hoop

So a few weeks ago I dropped $80 on a retractable dance hoop. Once upon a time when I was fitter and slimmer I was a dancer, so I thought I'd take up an exercise form that would actually move my ass. Dance hoops are weighted so it's an aerobic as well as resistance workout.

The endorphins are making me a little less depressed. Today is my day off so I decided to spend a few hours practicing. Surprisingly after a few weeks of just hooping I managed to teach myself a few tricks.

Oh, and hula hooping has done wonders for my back pain.

B'emet?

What a mess.

How did I let myself get to this point?

Smoking, sex, drugs, miscarriage, shitty realizations with friends who aren't really friends, realization that loveless sex is pointless and return to abstinence but feel embittered nonetheless, repeated deaths in the family, more consumption of drugs to numb the insanity, back injury, festival season, quitting smoking, crying my eyes out every day, disgusting head cold in the middle of summer...

Honestly, never a dull moment.

I forgot to mention chronic loneliness but simultaneous utter hatred for the male species. A refusal to form any form of new intimacy either romantic or platonic. Meeting new people-- just not working out these days. Incredibly anti-social and lonely when among friends.

Perpetually disappointed in everyone around me, discovering more and more that you really cannot count on anyone and that it's every man for himself.

Broke as fuck but I don't owe anyone money. I've managed to make it to a quarter century debt-free. At the same time I've cashed in some of my mutual funds but I've been contributing since I was 18, so there was some spare change to dip into, so to speak.

It has been such a rough year already... And the rape trial hasn't even started yet.

Dear G-d, give me strength.

No news is... Good news?

Well, still haven't heard from my therapist and it's almost been a week. I'm not sure what to make of the situation but I'm going to call my psychiatrist and book an appointment to see what's what.

It hurts me to know I need long-term therapy when my psychiatrist said this would only be short-term. I've been receiving psychiatric care for the past decade and nothing important has ever been dealt with, but lots of pills have been prescribed.

Thank G-d I am drug-free now, but I feel like so much of my life has been wasted on useless pursuits and being put through the psychiatric system.

Why am I only getting the help I need now?

Therapy

Started rape counseling this past week. Did not expect CBT to be this painful.

But we barely touched on the rape, in fact much of the first appointment dug deeper into my past. I left in tears because we confronted my having been taken out of my home for neglect and how my parents dressed it up in lies to make it seem like they weren't at fault for anything, and how I believed them for so long.

And I made the stupid mistake of telling the truth when my father asked how my appointment went. His only response was that I should keep the conversations I have with my therapist to myself. Great.

The counselor said she'd get back to me by Friday to let me know if she was the appropriate therapist or not for me, and she never did. So I'm going to assume she hasn't gotten in touch with my psychiatrist yet, because I could tell by her prompting that she thinks I need a therapist who's more, well, observant than her.

Which means I have to start this process all over again with someone else and I'm not really looking forward to that.

What Derech?

It's a good thing this blog has no readers, because I should be able to speak freely here.

Well, lots of things have happened in the past few months that set off a serious bout of depression and anxiety in me. It probably started when my uncle died, then I lost both my jobs, then I was raped by someone supposedly hiring me for a job, then my grandmother died, and in the interim I had several respiratory infections, a bladder infection, I injured my back from falling down stairs after being drugged and raped, and to top it all off, my cat died last week.

Actually, it gets better.

My jadedness towards life had become so bad that I started to slowly abandon Orthodox Judaism but keep up the image of it. I know I was rejected by the seminary I applied to because I don't "fit in" and that has also contributed to my having left the derech. But as someone once said, it's best not to go too far. I still believe, but I'm so depressed keeping mitzvot has no pleasure any more. Though in more recent times I have begun to question everything including my belief in Hashem. It frightens me when things get bad and even my emuna is shaken.

And it gets even better...

So, part of my off-the-derechness was completely ignoring the Omer restrictions and breaking Shabbat in private (I hate openly breaking Shabbat, as hypocritical as that sounds). I would go out and party every week, and self-medicate with booze and other unmentionables.

I think somewhere along the way I damaged several interpersonal relationships and now people are ignoring and avoiding me. I know I've pissed off a number of people and they just want nothing to do with me. It hurts because I know that no matter the circumstances, the spoken word is like the spent arrow and never comes back.

So I won't be going to Israel this year, and I'm unsure where I fit into Orthodoxy any more, if it all. For reasons I can't get into, I just don't believe that within the Orthodox framework I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am.

I'm too damaged.

Astronomy Project Results

Here are the fruits of a semester of work to attain a CCD image of the spiral galaxy NGC 3198 in Ursa Major at my school's observatory:

Raw image


Median filter


Reduced image in blue filter


False colour image showing structure


I think the false colour image best illustrates the spiral, yet intermediately ringed structure of this galaxy, not to mention you get a better feel for the bar in its nucleus.

Hamsa Painting

I was feeling inspired by the painting on my blog and tried to recreate it with the lyrics to Adon Olam on it. Oh, and it would appear I came out of UV painting retirement after all. I am painting this piece to sling over my tent at music festivals this summer alongside my Israeli flag. Because it has the name of G-d on it, I need to purchase some waterproofing spray to protect it from the elements of the Laurentian mountains.

Still a work in progress:









The last frame is riddled with spelling errors that had to be painted over and will be corrected later on. I am also trying to build upon a dually chromatic henna-like pattern in some of the space on the hamsa. Definitely need to layer the colours a little more. The eye requires definition which I've begun working on and will photograph probably after Pesach.

Interfaith Relations

You tell me you guess it's a sin to sleep with a Muslim dude,
But I tell you it's not true,
That it's only 'cause I am a Jew
And it's nothing personal against you.

You imply hypocrisy
At the utter simplicity
With which I switch
To abstinence from poly.

But it is that simple I say,
And to you I owe nothing and will not repay.
We fooled around years ago-- the number exactly two,
No, I don't owe a thing, not even to you.

You say it would liberate me
To sleep with you to cure this tragedy--
A blemish so raw on my soul,
But the rape has left a big gaping hole.

One that cannot be filled with meaningless sex--
The way you say I should fuck an ex.
Does this approach work with anyone?
I am not joking, this is not fun.

My parents are planning to separate when all this is through,
My dad is a Gentile and my mother, a Jew.
The pain I've seen them endure over time,
Is one I'd like to prevent by marrying my own kind.

Aromatherapy Stuff

And here is what I have been making and selling the past year:


Soap, lip balm, cuticle balm, and newly added shampoo and hot oil treatment.

Walkabout

Club Land

Memories of Iceland

BDH, Baba

My grandmother and last surviving grandparent passed away this week. She wasn't Jewish, and there's a Romanian Orthodox Christian funeral for her this weekend. I've agreed to break Shabbat to honour my father's wishes, since he wants me to be one of the pallbearers. He said he doesn't care if it is tradition to have only men do it, he wants my sister and I to partake. It's not like I'm going to say no.

While I agreed to break Shabbat, I'm still going to try and keep it to a minimum. I'm frantically cooking simple dishes that can be eaten tepid or cold so we don't have to worry about making food after the viewing tonight.

My parents have done a lot to accommodate my having become a baal teshuva, so I think the least I can do is accommodate my orphaned father.

Well, I have to go finish cooking and then get ready. I think it's safe to say I'll be sitting out of the Purim festivities again this year.

Shabbat Shalom.

Purim

It was my intention to go out for Purim this year, but I just don't think I can muster up the energy. My back injury seems to be getting worse before it gets any better, thanks to falling down icy stairs again. My back is in constant pain, I have had a hard time focusing on my school work, and because of other contributing factors I am under a lot of stress.

Last Purim my friend was killed in a drunk driving accident, and so I just don't feel the party vibe this year.

I want so badly to be part of the community this Purim, but I can't be bothered to do the social thing right now.

Starving Artist

Some people have expressed sadness in me selling my possessions to support my lifestyle, but I find it rather cleansing. Just last week I sold a 17 inch LCD panel that had been only collecting dust for the past nine months since I moved home. I took an inventory of the stuff I have but don't use, and I realized I could make a pretty penny while taking the burden off my parents of what to do with my stuff when I move to Israel.

I have a vast array of expensive textbooks that could probably fund one last trip to a four-day open air summer music festival before I leave.

Besides, the less stuff I own, the easier the move will be. It will only push the permanence factor further than if I made it seem like I had something to come home to if things don't work out.

My parents are actually quite thrilled to have me leave and possibly never come back. They won't admit it, and will hide under the guise of being happy for me, but they are glad to finally be rid of the burden I am to their life. They're just as sick of living with me as I am with them. It's never been a good arrangement. That's why I left home when I was 18.

I haven't actually told my mother, because like every other dream I've had she finds some way to crush it. She only knows of my plans to go for a year and she's supportive of that, but only in small doses. My father knows, and he's stoked for my new life ahead. I think I will tell Mom my plans to make aliyah once I am already in Israel. For once she will learn she doesn't get a say in my life any more.

In other news, my friend who's been in yeshiva for a little over a month now has reported to me that the the girls from the kiruv centre where we all met have completely flipped out, and have become condescending and that he feels uncomfortable talking with them now. I felt bad for having not taken the time to warn him about what happens to the vast majority of girls when they go to seminary. I have been involved with this kiruv organization a lot longer than the rest of them have, and I never felt compelled to hop on the seminary bandwagon until I felt ready to go, and not just because someone told me to go.

The reality is, a lot of girls become religious because they want somewhere to fit in, and somehow they think if they stop touching boys they will be blessed with some magic googiney-goo-goo that will present them a husband, and make it easier to get married to another Jew. The worst are the ones who dabble in Orthodoxy, and as soon as the brainwashing sets in they make an entire religion out of tznius dress (not necessarily behaviour) and shomer negiah.

I hate watching girls go down this path. Because they end up turning into self-righteous assholes and pervert the mission of Judaism.

And these are the ones who will go way overboard too soon, and shortly after their return from Israel will go off the derech because nobody told them (or rather, they were too sheepish and weak to do the research on their own) about the caste system that exists in Orthodoxy, and that there isn't nearly as much room for individual expression as you might think, and if you really believe there is, you will never be able to escape the label "Modern" being attached to you. And we all know how evil the term "Modern" is in black hat circles.

I was warned of these things by my rebbetzen, and told that I need to decide before I am married what kind of education I want my kids to have and what community will I conform to in dress in order not to place my children at risk.

Having my eyes opened to the harsh realities of Haredism turned me off it slightly, and is making me reconsider where I will end up.

Granted, I fancy myself open-minded and will wholeheartedly take a Yeshivishe education and decide for myself later if the lifestyle is for me. I cannot possibly make an informed decision on my hashkafa until I've spent enough time developing one.

Random Art of Mine

My psychedelic sukkah wall, Sukkot 5769 (left portion painted by the Green Kitten):



A painting of mine featured at a rave in 2007. I have no idea who took the photo (I wasn't present at the rave), but it was sent to me by the person who ran the event:



I made these planets for a rave in 2004, and they ended up being recycled for many more club and house parties for a few years thereafter:



I would like to start painting again, but I think I'm going to retire, at least temporarily, my love of UV painting. I have a whole set of oil paints I'd like to explore.

Astronomy

Here are some photos from my observational astronomy labs this semester. I have been collecting data for a project that involves imaging a galaxy using a CCD, or charge-coupled device, on a 40cm telescope at school.

The first is the dark frame, which is a reference point of measuring excited electrons due to electronic noise, heat and cosmic radiation. Winter is prime time for observation, especially here in Canada, because the ambient temperature inside the observatory makes it easier to optimize the cooling system in place to keep the CCD at -40 degrees below ambient. This photo is a five minute exposure with the lens capped.



The second photo is from a different lab, in which we take a shorter exposure of just a few seconds (usually about five) of what is called a flat field. We turn on the flood light inside the dome, uncap the scope lens, aim the telescope at a relatively homogenous section inside the dome, and acquire the image. The doughnut-shaped figures in the image are particles of dust on the CCD.



These laboratory exercises allow us to measure and take into account the effects due to unwanted excitation of electrons in the CCD, and also to understand what problems may arise in the optics of our equipment. Tackling these two problems will allow us to produce the best quality galactic image possible to analyze in our study.

More photos to follow as further data is acquired for the project.

Sia, Your Lyrics Ring True to Me

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

The Power of Prayer

OK, so honestly for the past two weeks I've really upped my level of davening after a lapse of complete abandonment for about six weeks since my uncle died. When I stopped davening I noticed every aspect of my life beginning to turn to utter shit. It was amazing to behold and part of me recognized the correlation between my lack of emuna and crappiness of existence long before I allowed it to manifest as badly as it did.

When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!

When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.

Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.

Baruch Hashem.

I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.

Hashem is truly taking care of me.

More Untzniusness

Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.

A Silver Lining, At Last

Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.

This ain't so bad.

Health Problems

It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.

Great.

Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.

The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.

I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.

After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.

We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.

My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.

At least I am feeling less depressed.

I am happy to report that the test results for HIV and hepatitis all came back negative.

Now, to deal with this high cholesterol and blood in my urine...

Counting Blessings

It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.

It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.

It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.

It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.

I wonder what drove him to it.

In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.

So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.

I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.

Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.

Emuna

I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.

Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.

Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.

There is always next time.

Starting to recede back into that "I really shouldn't breed" mentality again.

Feh

Just go away.