Between Holy and Secular

Argh...

2010-09-16T11:40:00.002-04:00

I miss you so much it hurts.
Finally I meet a nice Jewish boy and I go and screw things up.
When will I ever learn?
Will we ever be friends now?
I just want to see you.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to hold you.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Please come back.

Hula Hoop

2010-08-03T20:16:00.002-04:00

So a few weeks ago I dropped $80 on a retractable dance hoop. Once upon a time when I was fitter and slimmer I was a dancer, so I thought I'd take up an exercise form that would actually move my ass. Dance hoops are weighted so it's an aerobic as well as resistance workout.

The endorphins are making me a little less depressed. Today is my day off so I decided to spend a few hours practicing. Surprisingly after a few weeks of just hooping I managed to teach myself a few tricks.

Oh, and hula hooping has done wonders for my back pain.

B'emet?

2010-08-01T22:53:00.004-04:00

What a mess.

How did I let myself get to this point?

Smoking, sex, drugs, miscarriage, shitty realizations with friends who aren't really friends, realization that loveless sex is pointless and return to abstinence but feel embittered nonetheless, repeated deaths in the family, more consumption of drugs to numb the insanity, back injury, festival season, quitting smoking, crying my eyes out every day, disgusting head cold in the middle of summer...

Honestly, never a dull moment.

I forgot to mention chronic loneliness but simultaneous utter hatred for the male species. A refusal to form any form of new intimacy either romantic or platonic. Meeting new people-- just not working out these days. Incredibly anti-social and lonely when among friends.

Perpetually disappointed in everyone around me, discovering more and more that you really cannot count on anyone and that it's every man for himself.

Broke as fuck but I don't owe anyone money. I've managed to make it to a quarter century debt-free. At the same time I've cashed in some of my mutual funds but I've been contributing since I was 18, so there was some spare change to dip into, so to speak.

It has been such a rough year already... And the rape trial hasn't even started yet.

Dear G-d, give me strength.

No news is... Good news?

2010-05-13T23:43:00.002-04:00

Well, still haven't heard from my therapist and it's almost been a week. I'm not sure what to make of the situation but I'm going to call my psychiatrist and book an appointment to see what's what.

It hurts me to know I need long-term therapy when my psychiatrist said this would only be short-term. I've been receiving psychiatric care for the past decade and nothing important has ever been dealt with, but lots of pills have been prescribed.

Thank G-d I am drug-free now, but I feel like so much of my life has been wasted on useless pursuits and being put through the psychiatric system.

Why am I only getting the help I need now?

Therapy

2010-05-09T00:01:00.004-04:00

Started rape counseling this past week. Did not expect CBT to be this painful.

But we barely touched on the rape, in fact much of the first appointment dug deeper into my past. I left in tears because we confronted my having been taken out of my home for neglect and how my parents dressed it up in lies to make it seem like they weren't at fault for anything, and how I believed them for so long.

And I made the stupid mistake of telling the truth when my father asked how my appointment went. His only response was that I should keep the conversations I have with my therapist to myself. Great.

The counselor said she'd get back to me by Friday to let me know if she was the appropriate therapist or not for me, and she never did. So I'm going to assume she hasn't gotten in touch with my psychiatrist yet, because I could tell by her prompting that she thinks I need a therapist who's more, well, observant than her.

Which means I have to start this process all over again with someone else and I'm not really looking forward to that.

What Derech?

2010-05-03T13:19:00.003-04:00

It's a good thing this blog has no readers, because I should be able to speak freely here.

Well, lots of things have happened in the past few months that set off a serious bout of depression and anxiety in me. It probably started when my uncle died, then I lost both my jobs, then I was raped by someone supposedly hiring me for a job, then my grandmother died, and in the interim I had several respiratory infections, a bladder infection, I injured my back from falling down stairs after being drugged and raped, and to top it all off, my cat died last week.

Actually, it gets better.

My jadedness towards life had become so bad that I started to slowly abandon Orthodox Judaism but keep up the image of it. I know I was rejected by the seminary I applied to because I don't "fit in" and that has also contributed to my having left the derech. But as someone once said, it's best not to go too far. I still believe, but I'm so depressed keeping mitzvot has no pleasure any more. Though in more recent times I have begun to question everything including my belief in Hashem. It frightens me when things get bad and even my emuna is shaken.

And it gets even better...

So, part of my off-the-derechness was completely ignoring the Omer restrictions and breaking Shabbat in private (I hate openly breaking Shabbat, as hypocritical as that sounds). I would go out and party every week, and self-medicate with booze and other unmentionables.

I think somewhere along the way I damaged several interpersonal relationships and now people are ignoring and avoiding me. I know I've pissed off a number of people and they just want nothing to do with me. It hurts because I know that no matter the circumstances, the spoken word is like the spent arrow and never comes back.

So I won't be going to Israel this year, and I'm unsure where I fit into Orthodoxy any more, if it all. For reasons I can't get into, I just don't believe that within the Orthodox framework I will ever meet someone who loves me for who I am.

I'm too damaged.

Astronomy Project Results

2010-04-12T13:39:00.003-04:00

Here are the fruits of a semester of work to attain a CCD image of the spiral galaxy NGC 3198 in Ursa Major at my school's observatory:

Raw image

Median filter

Reduced image in blue filter

False colour image showing structure

I think the false colour image best illustrates the spiral, yet intermediately ringed structure of this galaxy, not to mention you get a better feel for the bar in its nucleus.

Hamsa Painting

2010-03-23T07:15:00.004-04:00

I was feeling inspired by the painting on my blog and tried to recreate it with the lyrics to Adon Olam on it. Oh, and it would appear I came out of UV painting retirement after all. I am painting this piece to sling over my tent at music festivals this summer alongside my Israeli flag. Because it has the name of G-d on it, I need to purchase some waterproofing spray to protect it from the elements of the Laurentian mountains.

Still a work in progress:

The last frame is riddled with spelling errors that had to be painted over and will be corrected later on. I am also trying to build upon a dually chromatic henna-like pattern in some of the space on the hamsa. Definitely need to layer the colours a little more. The eye requires definition which I've begun working on and will photograph probably after Pesach.

Interfaith Relations

2010-03-22T00:42:00.001-04:00

You tell me you guess it's a sin to sleep with a Muslim dude,
But I tell you it's not true,
That it's only 'cause I am a Jew
And it's nothing personal against you.

You imply hypocrisy
At the utter simplicity
With which I switch
To abstinence from poly.

But it is that simple I say,
And to you I owe nothing and will not repay.
We fooled around years ago-- the number exactly two,
No, I don't owe a thing, not even to you.

You say it would liberate me
To sleep with you to cure this tragedy--
A blemish so raw on my soul,
But the rape has left a big gaping hole.

One that cannot be filled with meaningless sex--
The way you say I should fuck an ex.
Does this approach work with anyone?
I am not joking, this is not fun.

My parents are planning to separate when all this is through,
My dad is a Gentile and my mother, a Jew.
The pain I've seen them endure over time,
Is one I'd like to prevent by marrying my own kind.

Aromatherapy Stuff

2010-03-11T19:01:00.003-05:00

And here is what I have been making and selling the past year:

Soap, lip balm, cuticle balm, and newly added shampoo and hot oil treatment.

Walkabout

2010-03-10T00:14:00.002-05:00

Club Land

2010-03-07T17:22:00.004-05:00

Memories of Iceland

2010-03-02T00:25:00.002-05:00

BDH, Baba

2010-02-26T15:24:00.003-05:00

My grandmother and last surviving grandparent passed away this week. She wasn't Jewish, and there's a Romanian Orthodox Christian funeral for her this weekend. I've agreed to break Shabbat to honour my father's wishes, since he wants me to be one of the pallbearers. He said he doesn't care if it is tradition to have only men do it, he wants my sister and I to partake. It's not like I'm going to say no.

While I agreed to break Shabbat, I'm still going to try and keep it to a minimum. I'm frantically cooking simple dishes that can be eaten tepid or cold so we don't have to worry about making food after the viewing tonight.

My parents have done a lot to accommodate my having become a baal teshuva, so I think the least I can do is accommodate my orphaned father.

Well, I have to go finish cooking and then get ready. I think it's safe to say I'll be sitting out of the Purim festivities again this year.

Shabbat Shalom.

Purim

2010-02-24T14:57:00.002-05:00

It was my intention to go out for Purim this year, but I just don't think I can muster up the energy. My back injury seems to be getting worse before it gets any better, thanks to falling down icy stairs again. My back is in constant pain, I have had a hard time focusing on my school work, and because of other contributing factors I am under a lot of stress.

Last Purim my friend was killed in a drunk driving accident, and so I just don't feel the party vibe this year.

I want so badly to be part of the community this Purim, but I can't be bothered to do the social thing right now.

Starving Artist

2010-02-17T09:34:00.002-05:00

Some people have expressed sadness in me selling my possessions to support my lifestyle, but I find it rather cleansing. Just last week I sold a 17 inch LCD panel that had been only collecting dust for the past nine months since I moved home. I took an inventory of the stuff I have but don't use, and I realized I could make a pretty penny while taking the burden off my parents of what to do with my stuff when I move to Israel.

I have a vast array of expensive textbooks that could probably fund one last trip to a four-day open air summer music festival before I leave.

Besides, the less stuff I own, the easier the move will be. It will only push the permanence factor further than if I made it seem like I had something to come home to if things don't work out.

My parents are actually quite thrilled to have me leave and possibly never come back. They won't admit it, and will hide under the guise of being happy for me, but they are glad to finally be rid of the burden I am to their life. They're just as sick of living with me as I am with them. It's never been a good arrangement. That's why I left home when I was 18.

I haven't actually told my mother, because like every other dream I've had she finds some way to crush it. She only knows of my plans to go for a year and she's supportive of that, but only in small doses. My father knows, and he's stoked for my new life ahead. I think I will tell Mom my plans to make aliyah once I am already in Israel. For once she will learn she doesn't get a say in my life any more.

In other news, my friend who's been in yeshiva for a little over a month now has reported to me that the the girls from the kiruv centre where we all met have completely flipped out, and have become condescending and that he feels uncomfortable talking with them now. I felt bad for having not taken the time to warn him about what happens to the vast majority of girls when they go to seminary. I have been involved with this kiruv organization a lot longer than the rest of them have, and I never felt compelled to hop on the seminary bandwagon until I felt ready to go, and not just because someone told me to go.

The reality is, a lot of girls become religious because they want somewhere to fit in, and somehow they think if they stop touching boys they will be blessed with some magic googiney-goo-goo that will present them a husband, and make it easier to get married to another Jew. The worst are the ones who dabble in Orthodoxy, and as soon as the brainwashing sets in they make an entire religion out of tznius dress (not necessarily behaviour) and shomer negiah.

I hate watching girls go down this path. Because they end up turning into self-righteous assholes and pervert the mission of Judaism.

And these are the ones who will go way overboard too soon, and shortly after their return from Israel will go off the derech because nobody told them (or rather, they were too sheepish and weak to do the research on their own) about the caste system that exists in Orthodoxy, and that there isn't nearly as much room for individual expression as you might think, and if you really believe there is, you will never be able to escape the label "Modern" being attached to you. And we all know how evil the term "Modern" is in black hat circles.

I was warned of these things by my rebbetzen, and told that I need to decide before I am married what kind of education I want my kids to have and what community will I conform to in dress in order not to place my children at risk.

Having my eyes opened to the harsh realities of Haredism turned me off it slightly, and is making me reconsider where I will end up.

Granted, I fancy myself open-minded and will wholeheartedly take a Yeshivishe education and decide for myself later if the lifestyle is for me. I cannot possibly make an informed decision on my hashkafa until I've spent enough time developing one.

Random Art of Mine

2010-02-16T15:43:00.006-05:00

My psychedelic sukkah wall, Sukkot 5769 (left portion painted by the Green Kitten):

A painting of mine featured at a rave in 2007. I have no idea who took the photo (I wasn't present at the rave), but it was sent to me by the person who ran the event:

I made these planets for a rave in 2004, and they ended up being recycled for many more club and house parties for a few years thereafter:

I would like to start painting again, but I think I'm going to retire, at least temporarily, my love of UV painting. I have a whole set of oil paints I'd like to explore.

Astronomy

2010-02-15T19:17:00.005-05:00

Here are some photos from my observational astronomy labs this semester. I have been collecting data for a project that involves imaging a galaxy using a CCD, or charge-coupled device, on a 40cm telescope at school.

The first is the dark frame, which is a reference point of measuring excited electrons due to electronic noise, heat and cosmic radiation. Winter is prime time for observation, especially here in Canada, because the ambient temperature inside the observatory makes it easier to optimize the cooling system in place to keep the CCD at -40 degrees below ambient. This photo is a five minute exposure with the lens capped.

The second photo is from a different lab, in which we take a shorter exposure of just a few seconds (usually about five) of what is called a flat field. We turn on the flood light inside the dome, uncap the scope lens, aim the telescope at a relatively homogenous section inside the dome, and acquire the image. The doughnut-shaped figures in the image are particles of dust on the CCD.

These laboratory exercises allow us to measure and take into account the effects due to unwanted excitation of electrons in the CCD, and also to understand what problems may arise in the optics of our equipment. Tackling these two problems will allow us to produce the best quality galactic image possible to analyze in our study.

More photos to follow as further data is acquired for the project.

Sia, Your Lyrics Ring True to Me

2009-12-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

I've stuck around, through thick and through thin
You cannot deny, I've always been in
But I've watched you stand, still as a snowman
But I don't see you change, you're always at meltdown

Yeah I've been your crutch, your smell sight and touch
Yeah I took you home when you've drunk too much
But I can't survive, with you by my side
See I'll never get laid, while I'm running your life

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

So just cut me loose, learn to tie your shoes
There's somebody here, I'd like to introduce
So look in the mirror, look for the glass
'Cause you're not my problem, you are my last

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
Yeah I am a girl with a lot on her plate

No I just don't wanna, so I'm walking away
There is nothing that you can do I will not stay
No I don't need drama, so I'm walking away
I'm just a girl that you lost to cocaine

The Power of Prayer

2009-12-06T23:57:00.003-05:00

OK, so honestly for the past two weeks I've really upped my level of davening after a lapse of complete abandonment for about six weeks since my uncle died. When I stopped davening I noticed every aspect of my life beginning to turn to utter shit. It was amazing to behold and part of me recognized the correlation between my lack of emuna and crappiness of existence long before I allowed it to manifest as badly as it did.

When I started davening again, I asked for so many things and I am amazed, Hashem has given them all to me. I remember after davening Maariv this past Shabbat just how intensely I stood in meditation, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs to the depths of infinity above. Why? Why me? Why am I being tested? Why now? AGAIN? C'MON!!!

When I'm all alone in the house I do the meditation popularized by Breslov of just "having it out" with G-d by speaking your mind to Him like He was sitting there right next to you. Man, the things I have only told G-d. Man.

Like in the past week alone I think I may have witnessed about five acts of pure divine intervention take place in my life. Like absolutely nothing leading up to these events would have made me think this is how the week would end.

Baruch Hashem.

I will be praying more regularly again and with sincerity.

Hashem is truly taking care of me.

More Untzniusness

2009-11-30T13:42:00.003-05:00

Rest In Peace, right nipple piercing. I always secretly knew you were a botched job and would reject some day. It was a good three and a half years.

A Silver Lining, At Last

2009-11-29T14:35:00.002-05:00

Being sick and not being able to go to work or school for over a week has sucked, but I have been able to make use of my best thinking time because I have no schedule. You see, I get my best mathematical reasoning done late at night sometimes into the wee hours of the morning over a cup of coffee. Now that I'm temporarily free from the shackles of employment until my condition improves I can be a night owl and study for finals.

This ain't so bad.

Health Problems

2009-11-28T20:06:00.002-05:00

It seems every time I go back for a follow up there is something new each week to complain about. First it started off as a simple physical and routine blood work, then staph infection turned into horrible abscess, then UTI, now I have a problem with a disc in my back. Doc gave me some NSAIDs and said if it doesn't feel better in a week to have it X-rayed.

Great.

Well I went to see him yesterday and so far the Arthrotec does nothing to relieve my back pain. I can't sit up for more than a couple hours without having to lie back down. Working and going to school has become impossible and now I don't know how I will ever have the money for next semester.

The very act of living is so incredibly painful right now, and the loneliness and isolation is starting to get to me.

I would like to stop feeling sorry for myself.

2009-11-25T21:55:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been feeling rather crazy and depressed, not sure why. Maybe it is the change of the seasons, or that nothing seems to be going right for the past little while and I am always sick.

After being cooped up in the house for over three days I decided to venture out, though it was painful without my cane. The reason I ditched the cane, despite the pain it caused me, was that I tend to attract the most fucked up creepy attention from strangers in public and I was concerned about being taken advantage of while I traveled to and from a friend's house.

We hung out and she asked me questions about Judaism for her school project, and it was cool to be able to talk to someone who actually found it interesting.

My back is really hurting me right now and I'm contemplating doing more math homework, but sitting up is such a mission.

At least I am feeling less depressed.

2009-11-18T12:07:00.001-05:00

I am happy to report that the test results for HIV and hepatitis all came back negative.

Now, to deal with this high cholesterol and blood in my urine...

Counting Blessings

2009-11-11T01:37:00.005-05:00

It strikes me how small the world can be at times. Eight years have passed since I've been in group therapy and just today I was on the bus with one of the guys from my group.

It's nice to see that he's getting an education these days just as I am, but it breaks my heart to see how he remains disfigured after a botched suicide attempt. I remember back when he was undergoing all these experimental treatments and skin grafts and had to wear artificial skin on his face in public.

It's been so many years, I have no idea if he would have remembered me well, so I didn't bother to say hello. Maybe I should have, I don't know.

It's a real shame what he did, and not to sound shallow, but underneath all the redness and scar tissue I can see there is a very attractive young fellow.

I wonder what drove him to it.

In other news I'm trying to blame all the symptoms of HIV I've been having on hypochondriasis while I await the results of my HIV test.

So far the list includes extreme fatigue (like every day), severe vaginal infections and frequent yeast infections, weight loss without dieting, lack of appetite, severe diarrhea and fevers.

I've also been sick a lot in the past month or so having caught a cold AND the flu over a matter of weeks.

Hoping I'm just freaking out a little too much and things come back negative.

Emuna

2009-10-31T23:49:00.002-04:00

I am trying to accept, with utmost emuna that Hashem does and does not want certain things from me.

Even though I've been brainwashed into believing it's what I want, I probably won't be having five or more children in my life time. It will be miracle if I have even one and I really should learn to accept that, seeing what I've been through, and the challenges ahead.

Maybe in this lifetime I just won't be able to fulfill the mitzvah of being fruitful and multiplying.

There is always next time.

2009-10-18T12:08:00.001-04:00

Starting to recede back into that "I really shouldn't breed" mentality again.

2009-10-16T01:06:00.004-04:00

Feh

2009-10-14T23:25:00.003-04:00

Just go away.

May You Live in Interesing Times Pt. 2

2009-10-09T12:49:00.005-04:00

Uncle passed away this week, and there's no money to bury him. He was never close to me but it's sad to see my grandmother having to bury a child and then all this religious bullshit coming into play about how he should be buried.

My father's parents are/were Romanian Orthodox Christian and don't believe in cremation, just like Jews. My grandmother also wants all the Romanian Orthodox hokum to be present at the funeral and lately has been urging my parents to baptize my sister and I, even though neither one of my parents really believes in G-d or an afterlife but told us that through Mom we're Jewish and not to expect anything from them religiously.

For reasons I can't get into, I actually want to attend the funeral for the pure spectacle of it all, as bad as that sounds.

I'm sorry you're gone, but I really think you're in a much better place now.

Oh, and I dropped a heavy textbook on my foot yesterday and it's so freaking tender I think the bone is a little bruised on one of my toes. It left behind an ugly mark. Dad said I should take a day off jogging and not aggravate an injury so I'm going to heed his warning and not exercise. Which sucks for me 'cause Yom Tov this weekend will inevitable mean overeating as well. Hopefully my toe will be on the mend by next week.

I'm addicted to this whole exercising and eating whatever I want routine, and don't want to stop!

The Unhappy Person Asks "Why?"

2009-10-05T17:38:00.002-04:00

Why can't I seem to just get over you?

Why must the heart want what the heart wants?

Why do I let myself be fooled again and again and again?

Why do I let myself be used?

Why don't I just walk away from the pain?

Why won't it just end?

Why won't I grow?

How Jogging is Saving My Life

2009-09-30T01:24:00.006-04:00

A week before Rosh Hashanah I quit smoking, and two days after quitting smoking I started jogging again. Only weeks later I am up to jogging 5k three days a week and I'm really enjoying it.

Dad is warning me not to enjoy it too much and push myself too hard. Says I shouldn't increase distance for the next few months, just work on improving what I'm already doing until it's incredibly easy. Apparently younger people are the most prone to overrunning because they think they can just push themselves so hard without injury. I really want to train for a race, but I think for now I'm going to just work on improving my fitness level.

It's great to be able to eat whatever I want and not gain any weight. While I'm not losing tonnes of weight my belly is starting to shrink a bit so at the very least I'm toning up and burning some fat. Definitely have more energy lately than I think I've had in years.

The anti-depressant effects have been amazing. A lot of life's hard blows have been washed away during and after a good jog. It's helped me to centre my focus and deal with a lot of my problems. Not to mention I look forward to it. Honestly don't know why I stopped for so long after recovering from sciatica. It's been one of the few things keeping me going.

Too many negative things have happened recently that there needs to be some beacon of light in my lonely world. I don't have anyone to cuddle. Friends are never around. I let people use me. Most days I feel like a number or a cog.

Jogging is one of the rare times I get to be me. It's the time when I can put on my runners, rock a tznius workout friendly outfit and listen to whatever I want on the iPod (lately it's been French electro). Or the ritual of my mid-jog break to stop for water at the park fountain and say shehakol over the precious liquid. The breezes Hashem sends me right when I need cooling off. Watching the leaves change with the season-- green, yellow, orange, red, maroon. The crisp Canadian morning air. The list goes on. Every time I go jogging I find something new to appreciate.

I think I will try to use this space to expand upon that list.

Yom Kippur

2009-09-29T15:16:00.002-04:00

Yom Kippur was inspiring but I wish that all my sins were truly wiped away, as I feel they were not. I could get into it, but I won't.

How did I let this happen?

REM, You Pull My Emo Heart Strings This Motzei Shabbos

2009-09-26T19:59:00.001-04:00

Oh, life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up

(chorus)
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

(repeat chorus)

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream

Atonement

2009-09-23T15:11:00.005-04:00

In the spirit of Yom Kippur approaching, I'm in the mood to write about how I used to be the world's biggest pothead. Like we're talking really bad. Smoking three, sometimes ten joints a day. I could go through a half ounce every week if you let me. It was bad, and I will admit I was psychologically addicted especially since I was using it to self-medicate.

In the past few months I've taken various steps to give up my expensive habit but temptation rears its ugly head every so often. It doesn't win any more. You just couldn't convince me to open my wallet ever again to waste money on stupidity herb.

But it's funny because today I was noticing the pocket knife from Afghanistan some hippie gave me at a festival last year, and it got me to thinking about those shiurim that talk about finding the best purpose in objects, and then ourselves.

"You could use this shtender to break a window, or you could place sfarim or shiur notes on it, optimizing its use."

So when I think of Afghanistan, besides the Taliban and our Canadian troops being stationed there I think about hash and opium.

Clearly this knife's best purpose is not to hunt, as the blade is neither serrated or very long and is quite thin.

Nope, I think this blade was meant to glean hash either from the plants, hands, or even your little coffee grinder lined with cannabis trichomes (basically the essence of hash) ready to be scraped and smoked. That's really the only purpose it ever served me.

Just a thought.

Oh, and I'm up to jogging 5km now with just the mid-jog break to breathe and drink from the fountain. I feel slimmer but have stayed at the same weight, I think that means my muscle tone is coming back. Woohoo!

Would like to train for a 5k or 8k maybe in the next year or so.

May You Live in Interesting Times...

2009-09-22T13:32:00.003-04:00

Came home from an inspirational Rosh Hashana in the community to my father sicker than ever. He can't breathe, is coughing up blood and his lungs are filling up with fluid from the congestive heart failure.

So he was admitted to emergency last night and they're keeping him there for at least a few days this week and will be pumping him full of diuretics.

I'm not sure just how sick he has to be before they give him a transplant, but it has to be really bad since apparently having a heart that can't get any bigger and all the above mentioned symptoms aren't enough.

It truly frightens me to see him in the state requiring a transplant.

But the Jewish community never fails to amaze me when they band together to pray for the sick. Since last night I've received numerous notes from people telling me they are praying for my family and it is very reassuring.

I don't know what I'd do without such wonderful people in my life. Really, I'd be completely lost.

Tears for Fears Currently Describes My Emo State

2009-09-21T16:39:00.005-04:00

I wanted to be with you alone
And talk about the weather
But traditions I can trace against the child in your face
Won't escape my attention
You keep your distance with a system of touch
And gentle persuasion
I'm lost in admiration could I need you this much
Oh, you're wasting my time
You're just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away

I made a fire and watching it burn
Thought of your future
With one foot in the past now just how long will it last
No, no, no, have you no ambition
My mother and my brothers used to breathe in clean in air
And dreaming I'm a doctor
It's hard to be a man when there's a gun in your hand
Oh I feel so...

Something happens and I'm head over heels
I never find out till I'm head over heels
Something happens and I'm head over heels
Ah, don't take my heart
Don't break my heart
Don't throw it away

And this my four leaf clover
I'm on the line, one open mind
This is my four leaf clover
In my mind's eye
One little boy, one little man
Funny how time flies

Confessions of a Jewish Nanny

2009-09-17T00:56:00.003-04:00

After giving my rebbetzin's son a bath this evening, we put him to bed together by singing HaMalach HaGoel in a beautiful harmony. It was very special to me to be able to share such a mommy thing with her. It makes me happy to be able to help them out this way, and it hardly feels like work since the kids are absolutely wonderful.

I don't know what I did to become so blessed, but thank you, Hashem, nonetheless.

Feeling Better

2009-09-15T11:39:00.003-04:00

Well, I managed to jog 4km this morning and only stopped once in the park to drink from a fountain i.e. no walking breaks. Feeling pretty damn proud of myself right now that my body's endurance went up that much in only two days. Did I mention I only quit smoking four days ago?

While jogging I noticed how much my sense of smell has improved in only a few days as I took in all the delicious fragrances of the gardens I would pass along my route. It was kind of transcendental to recite shehakol over the fountain while high in the zone. Oh, Hashem, your blessings are truly endless.

Really needed the endorphin rush today seeing as I am babysitting two small children this afternoon and then heading to a three hour math lecture tonight.

Feeling a lot less sorry for myself than I was last night.

Time to get some food in this earthly vessel of mine.

Why do I set myself up for this over and over again?

2009-09-15T00:28:00.002-04:00

I feel so stupid and completely used.

As a friend once said, if only they made lipstick and hair dye that gave women equality instead of making them sex objects.

After a good night's sleep, I'm going to take out my frustration and disappointment on a serious workout.

Not much else I can do except take care of myself, exercise and pray that Hashem gives me the clarity to decipher the message from this experience.

Slichot for My Body

2009-09-13T07:24:00.004-04:00

Well, it's been two days without a cigarette and I don't have any cravings to speak of just yet. This morning I woke up around 6am to go for a jog, and managed about 3.5km around my neighbourhood. Though to be fair, I took 50m walking breaks and walked at least a couple hundred meters so my blackened lungs would not collapse.

I give myself a pat on the back for at least trying, and know that if I keep this up for at least three mornings a week, soon I will be able to jog or even run the whole route and perhaps extend it in due time.

Oh, and Shabbos was amazing! My rebbetzin is going to help me sort out my papers with the Beit Din this semester as well as take a year off my university studies to go to seminary.

Good morning, indeed!

Time to enjoy these endophins and some breakfast before getting ready for work.

Elul, Rosh Hashana, and Quitting Smoking

2009-09-11T09:47:00.005-04:00

My goal for Elul is to stop smoking before Rosh Hashana once I finished the carton from Europe I'd bought at the duty-free. I gave a couple packs away, and countless other cigarettes so I'd make it easier on myself. This morning I smoked my last cigarette and now I'm officially going to quit. No more wasting money on future emphysema. It's time for health!

One of the reasons I quit (besides getting healthy and it being the right thing to do) is so I can go on the pill to control my periods. I've heard the pill can help ease the discomfort, and I would like to give it a shot.

Because I know someone who died from complications of smoking on the pill, I always told myself I would never take it unless I was truly committed to being a non-smoker. So here I am.

That being said, I really do not want to gain a whole bunch of weight and blimp out while taking the pill, so I'm going to use my simultaneous quitting smoking to take on a fitness regimen. There was a time when I used to be in fairly good shape, having been an athlete and I'd like to get back into it.

So whenever I crave a smoke, I'm going to go for a run instead of reaching for food.

Thanks to a certain special person who has given me tonnes of support and encouragement in my recent quitting of a couple vices. Love you.

And what better day to celebrate life than to remember those lost on September 11, 2001. You are all in my prayers.

Shabbat Shalom!!!

Frosh Week

2009-09-10T01:38:00.003-04:00

Tonight we had the frosh event at my rabbi's house, and it was a great excuse to be social, eat yummy food and of course babysit their adorable children. While it was very good to get out and catch up with old faces as well as meet new ones, the entire time I couldn't help but think of my friend from Birthright who died in a drunk driving accident on Purim this year. He would have had a blast at this event.

LCD Soundsystem describes my stir of emotions best in the song, Someone Great.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I couldn't start it,
Too late for beginnings.
The little things that made me nervous,
Are gone in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue
Locked in your basement.

I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be a perfect warning
That something's a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice on the other end.

The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm stunned, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done.
It's late for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs to be finished.

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops.
(Repeat x3)
And it keeps coming,
(Repeat x7)
Till the day it stops.

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started.
Too late for beginnings.
You're smaller than my wife imagined,
Surprised you were human.
There shouldn't be this ring of silence,
But what are the options?

When someone great is gone.
(Repeat x8)

We're safe for the moment.
Saved,
For the moment.

Well, I'm going to cry a bit now and remember Yoni and the good times we had.

Project Inspired

2009-09-09T11:19:00.003-04:00

So I will admit I was rather inspired by that Aish.com book, Triumph. Especially the story about the woman who became religious and had a testy relationship with her sister afterwards until she realized how important it was to strengthen that relationship.

So last night I went and hung out with my sister, something I don't do too often. We chatted for a while, I drank some of her wine and gave her a back rub, then we chatted some more.

She lives right around the corner from us, so I should really take advantage of hanging out with her before she moves at the end of the year with her boyfriend to another town.

I don't want her to ever think that my going religious ever became more important than my relationship with her.

Oh, and I'm down to my last pack of cigarettes. Almost quittin' time!

Workaholism

2009-09-08T00:44:00.002-04:00

Lately I've become a workaholic, mainly because I have bills to pay, and the last time I checked nobody else is going to foot the bill for my tuition and books, and getting financial aid is a bitch and I try to avoid it as much as possible.

When I ask Hashem for parnassah I end up getting far more than I expect. Always on the hunt for new sources of income, they tend to find me first.

So, while waiting for a co-worker to arrive so we can head to a festival this morning, our driver tells me of his plan to start importing traditional Chinese artwork and sell it here. He also told me that he'd like my help since my English is much better than his and he sees how hard I work selling the merchandise in my current job.

Apparently flights to China have come down quite a bit as of late, and it's made me consider flying out to Shanghai some time to see what the fuss is about. Perhaps I will enroll in conversational Mandarin to gain a better appreciation of my future work.

Crying on Shabbos is so lame...

2009-09-05T20:47:00.003-04:00

Over Shabbos I read one of those Aish books they give out in Israel called Triumph, an anthology of true stories meant to inspire us whiney Jews who think we've got it rough. Well, it worked. At least half the stories made me bawl my farkin' eyes out.

After I finished that book I started The Ransom of the Jews: The Story of the Extraordinary Secret Bargain Between Romania and Israel by Radu Ionid, which discusses the purchasing of Jewish souls to be transported by ship to Israel during the post-Holocaust Communist regime in Romania. Interesting, so far. My father, who isn't halachically Jewish but whose father was Jewish (but denied it for the most part and lived as a Christian) and is Romanian encouraged me to read it. He was telling me how growing up he knew members of the Iron Guard in his church and it irks him to this day to think of what part they may have played in the Romanian Holocaust.

After lunch I went to take my usual nap, but for some reason the tears came before sleep could arrive because as I lay there in solitude I was reminded of my loneliness. I just wanted to be hugged so badly. I rarely get hugs from my own family (I live with them) and the desire for human contact was just so overwhelming for about ten minutes or so.

I shrugged it off as energy needing to be released then crashed for three hours.

My life is otherwise amazing, but I can't seem to get in contact with any of my friends on my days off, and when my friends want to hang out I have to work my shitty job and never have time. It's really getting to me lately.

This week I have more days off than usual, so I'm going to try and get out there some more! Even if it's by myself. Maybe that's my problem. On my days off I spend too much time at home doing laundry, reading or studying math that I don't actually take any real leisurely time. Sure, I enjoy reading books and reviewing math but there's more to life than those things.

Oh, and I am down to my last three packs of duty-free cigarettes from Europe. It is my goal to quit by Rosh Hashana then get back into a proper exercise routine.

SHAVUA TOV!

Man...

2009-09-04T06:43:00.000-04:00

This week at work has been rough. It's hard working for a shark, and the 50+ hour work week schedule gets to me. I'm looking forward to Shabbos, indeed!

But honestly, I can't complain as I have the best friends in the world. I try to do nice things for people I care about, but expect nothing in return. When they in turn show me immense gratitude it lights up my life so much.

In the past two days I've received a bunch of really sweet notes from friends thanking me for post cards I sent on my travels, and one friend who was completely blown away by some art I brought back from Israel for her.

I didn't think doing these things was a big deal. I mean, doesn't everybody write post cards and bring back souvenirs from their holidays?

Anyway, it just made me feel like a million bucks to know they care as much I care and could take a minute out of their busy schedules to do something that totally made my week.

I feel so very, very blessed.

GOOD SHABBOS!

When I Have a Bad Day at Work...

2009-09-03T10:28:00.001-04:00

I tell myself it's not so bad, at least I have my health.

At least I do not have leukemia or require an organ transplant.

At least I'm not that kid I had to see go into cardiac arrest in front of our vending booth and had to watch the doctors apply a defibrillator while we re-directed pedestrian traffic around the emergency.

A chill may run down my spine every time I have to hear the words "code blue, to emergency now, code blue" announced over the PA while trying to sell fashion items in a children's hospital, but at least our sales support the research foundation.

It breaks my heart to see so much sickness, but at least my heart still works properly, right?

Life may be hard, but it's really not so bad.

Things growing in and around the house...

2009-09-01T10:45:00.000-04:00

My mom and I have a thing for saving dying plants, as well as growing stuff we bought from a store. In the past couple of years vines have been overtaking the back of the house, and only recently have little grape buds begun to show. Hopefully in a decade or so we can make a delicious ice wine!

Here's a cactus I bought when I moved home in the spring:

It blossomed quite a bit over the summer:

And this is a cactus I saved from near death. I re-potted it over a year ago to help its root structure, and now it can stand on its own! It was so limp and sad just a few months ago:

In the backyard we have some spearmint:

Sicilian oregano (also saved from near death):

Greek oregano:

Last but not least, the grapevine taking over the backside of the house:

I Love Canadian Immigrants

2009-08-31T11:41:00.001-04:00

People, we'll call them bigots, often complain that this country is over-populated by immigrants. My father is an immigrant, in fact, he had refugee status until he was almost 30 before gaining full citizenship (his parents never bothered to apply for his, I guess). So in being biased, I love immigrants because of what they bring to this mosaic nation. They are hard working and very appreciative of the opportunities available to them in Canada.

Not only that, every time we need to throw out old furniture or household items, within minutes there appears to be some neighbourhood immigrants ready to scoop them up.

Today I'm trying to clear my room of all kinds of useless furniture and crap I no longer need. Much of it is stuff leftover from my previous relationship, some of it is just useless junk that belongs to my family that is in my room. I've been given the go-ahead from my father to get rid of it, and so today I made a huge dent in the pile of rubble that is my room by moving various furniture items onto our front lawn.

An immigrant family down the street took notice of this, and asked if we would be needing this stuff. I told them it would be my pleasure if they would take it, since we no longer require it and the mother really seemed to like this one dining room set I was schlepping to the lawn.

We even helped her move it down the street to her house and she thanked us many times.

It felt good to help out a new family to Canada, and even better that my room is starting to take shape!

Sin

2009-08-30T17:15:00.000-04:00

For some reason I'm feeling rather emo today and only Nine Inch Nails can express it.

You give me the reason.
You give me control.
I gave you my Purity.
My Purity you stole.
Did you think I wouldn't recognize this compromise?
Am I just too stupid to realize?
Stale incense, old sweat and lies, lies, lies.

[Chorus:]
It comes down to this.
Your kiss.
Your fist.
And your strain.
It gets under my skin.
Within.
Take in the extent of my sin

You give me the anger.
You give me the nerve.
Carry out my sentence.
While I get what I deserve.
I'm just an effigy to be disgraced.
To be defaced.
Your need for me has been replaced.
And if I can't have everything well then just give me a taste.

[Chorus]

Shavua Toving

2009-08-30T00:26:00.000-04:00

Well, Shabbos was wonderful as usual. Saw some old faces and met some new ones as well. It was a very "global" Shabbos since there were a bunch of out-of-towners visiting so there was definitely some lively discussion.

Three Shabboses this summer I've been asked to hold the Havdalah candle, and it is my understanding it is meant for single girls in the hopes they'll be married off soonish.

I'd kind of like to know more about the origin of this tradition, and its significance. Especially since I told my rabbis/rebbetzins not to set me up with anyone since I've only recently come out of a long term and miserable relationship, I might add.

It boggles my mind that they think I'm anywhere near ready to meet a nice bochur, since I still think I'm in that crazy mourning stage and could probably use a summer away at seminary before really considering dating seriously again. I'm totally over my ex but the scars left behind from the relationship could use some serious spiritual healing.

At least I bonded with a nice girl in a similar situation as me and we've agreed to learn together as well as hang out more this coming semester.

Shavua Tov, indeed.

2009-08-28T15:36:00.001-04:00

So apparently I now work for the downtown branch of a kiruv organization in my city. My duties will include babysitting, and assisting with the planning and preparation of events held there.

Last night my rebbetzin showed me how to properly put her son to sleep, and I noticed that she just went on reciting Shema to him regardless of his interruptions. She also sang some other song to him which I think is called, "Melech HaGolah."

I would like to find the words and music to this song so I can learn it too, so at least her son will have what he is used to being sung to him before bedtime.

So far Google has proved useless, and because I'm unmarried I'm not allowed to register as a user on www.imamother.com to ask for help. I'm feeling kind of stuck, so I guess the only thing left to do is ask my rebbetzin herself to teach it to me.

Maybe it's because I grew up secular, but for some reason I can't express how honoured I feel to say Shema with someone else's kid at night. He is so adorable and it feels like good practice for my own Ima status some day in the future.

Anyway, time to stop dilly-dallying and get ready for Shabbos.

Shabbat Shalom!

The Long and Winding Road...

2009-08-27T23:10:00.000-04:00

Man, it's been ages since I've updated this thing. I've gone back and re-read some old posts and man, have I ever been lying to myself about a lot of things. Take for instance my ex. Like I have painted him out to be this amazing guy when he was not. I got so angry I deleted these posts immediately.

Lately I've been fighting sadness by replacing it with anger. For years I've not let myself properly release this energy and I don't really know why except for some underlying abuse trauma.

This evening my dad showed me his chest x-rays when I got home, and his heart is twice the size it should be, but luckily his lungs aren't filling with fluid. His congestion and coughing fits are getting worse, and I'm glad I finally made the decision to stop smoking pot and thus stop smoking with him.

Looking at those x-rays made me well up with tears and I tried to hide them from my father. I worry so much he's going to be gone soon. Gone before I get married or ever have my first child. Just typing this is making me cry.

I feel so very alone.

At least school is starting up again and I can immerse myself in studies and working two jobs.

I Hate Drunk Driving

2009-05-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

There's just no other way to put it, really. Earlier this year I lost a friend to drunk driving, and nobody saw it coming. He had so much going for him-- he was about to graduate and had so many hobbies and friends and just impacted life around him so positively.

He was on my Birthright trip and when he died, I was shocked how so many from the trip came to honour his memory. Over 1000 people showed up in total, ranging from school friends, to fitness students, teachers, and parents of friends who could not make it. It was awe inspiring.

I cried so much. So, very much.

My fondest memory of him was when we visited the artist's quarter of Tzfat and he donned tefillin for the very first time in his life. He came back with this sparkle in his eyes yelling "I just got bar mitzvah'd guys!"

I think from that moment onward he was going to start considering Judaism seriously and I love being there to witness that moment. Just like someone told me they were moved by how much I cried my first time at the Kotel.

Call it indoctrination or not, it is quite something to behold a disconnected Jew embrace their Judaism again after a lifetime of spiritual exile. A lot of people are secretly yearning for that magical experience on these trips-- they are already looking for spirituality. It doesn't just hit them by surprise. The jaded ones will almost always remain jaded and not buy most of what we're supposedly being "sold."

But I have always found that attitude appallingly negative.

As someone who was inspired by my first trip to Israel, I feel like it gave me a chance to see that it is OK, that it is permissible to want to be Jewish to one's fullest potential.

All my life having this knowledge of an identity and having no outlet for it really struck me in Israel. The fact that a cab driver said "Baruch Hashem" to me because I hail from Toronto, and there are a lot of Jews there, just made me want to cry because there is nowhere else in the world but Israel I would hear something like that.

And it makes me a little giddy to think about how I will be going back there next week to reunite myself with that feeling again, even if for only a little while.

Yoni, I promise to make the most of this trip for you up there in HaShomayim because I know you wanted to do this one too.

Shavuos

2009-05-25T20:32:00.000-04:00

This year for Shavuos I am going to be with my family. On Thursday morning I make the official move home and after that I'm going to prepare the meal at my sister's.

My last Shavuos seder was a big drunken party (as are all my other chaggim gatherings) but this year I feel it is going to have real meaning. This year I feel I am truly receiving the Torah, truly unifying myself with Hashem's covenant. I am moving home, to be with and honour my parents. To fly home to the nest for at least a little while until I get married or find respectable means to move out on my own again.

I also love cooking for my family. On Pesach I did most of the cooking and Dad helped by making the potatoes down the street at their house so I'd be able to cook the turkey simultaneously.

My family really likes my latkes, too. And when I told them that Shavuos is a holiday tradionally met with eating dairy meals (they're completely secular and I have to do all the explaining) they asked if I would make cheese latkes as one of the dishes. Of course I will, because I never make them and I think they would be damn tasty with some collard greens, mushrooms and spices.

I also wanna try that cheese ball recipe from the Chabad website! In fact, some of the recipes there look really yummy.

There's also some yummy cholov yisroel burekas that they sell frozen at the grocery store near me, and I think that would also make a nice touch.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmilchigs, I love you so.

Artsy Fartsy

2009-05-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

My job is a lot of fun, mainly because it is based in a creative element and allows me to be a little artsy. My boss is a bit of a shark, but is also a total riot and acknowledges good work with good words and good money (usually I find it's one or the other with most bosses).

She said part of the reason she hired me was because she thought I had the look of someone who could possibly be an artist, and sometimes tells her customers I am an art student so they trust my opinion on colour.

Interestingly enough I took four years of art in high school and have many artistic friends so wearing that particular hat was surprisingly not too difficult. While I would never pose as an art student I guess in a way I am if you don't mean I go to art school.

It's funny because my boss was speaking Finnish with some tourists while I practiced my ivrit with some Jewish educators buying some pieces from our booth. This tends to happen fairly regularly. The Jewish teachers liked my Chai earrings and started singing David Melech Yisrael which put a big smile on my face for the rest of the day.

It was a blast working at the artisan show today, and I'm beginning to really feel the effects of the cleanse I'm currently doing. I have a lot of energy, I feel lighter, and even my skin has improved.

Life is good.

Money-money-money-money.... MUHHHH-NAY!

2009-05-21T22:49:00.000-04:00

So at long last the school year is over and I can look forward to summer. This means back to working 15 hour days.

I'm not going to complain, because I'm off to Israel next month and could use the extra bling in the mean time. The last thing I need to do is wonder every day if I've gone over my spending budget when I'm there, and I'd rather work like mad and save up some extra cash to pad my wallet and sanity from such worry.

Maybe because I grew up lower-middle class never having money made me extra careful with the money that I earn now. My father always told me he hoped I would never repeat the horrible financial mistakes him and my mother made. I'm not going to say what those were, because they're really nobody's business, but I totally get what he meant and I strive to make him proud.

As such, I started investing at the tender age of 18 and while I haven't contributed anything to my mutual funds in over 2 years, the discipline to buy up more units now that I'm gainfully employed again is still there.

I actually look forward to the next time I can visit my financial adviser and be like, "Yo guy, hit me up with five bills o' units, momma needs a new pair of shoes!"

While I have no aspirations to be filthy stinking rich, I want to some day be comfortable and it would make me so happy if I could use my wealth to raise a large family and give more to tzedekah than what is currently within my means.

Anyway, I'm gonna go eat my soup and hit the hay. There's money to made working like a cheaply rented mule.

Je m'excuse, mais....

2009-05-18T23:15:00.000-04:00

Clairement, je manifest les attributs des gens Français maintenant.

Il n'y a pas du temps pour prendre une douche quand je dois étudier pour les examens.

Au moins je m'ai brossé les dents.

Bonne nuitée.

Help

2009-05-17T19:40:00.000-04:00

The fights are getting to be too much. Every week we have at least one explosive fight with each other usually ending in him leaving.

Sometimes being with him makes me seriously contemplate suicide. I wish I'd never met him and and wasted these five years of my life. Every one of our fights somehow results in me crying (no wailing) loudly and he calls me a fucking bitch, to just shut up, and then keeps repeating, "Oh God I wish you would just STOP, you annoy me!"

I know I raise my voice a lot and sometimes it sounds like I'm yelling but I'm not. I've spent five years trying to tell him that and he's always taken it the wrong way.

But I don't deserve to be spoken to this way.

I wish people would understand why interfaith relationships never work out. I wish I had known before all this.

Only two more weeks and I'll be out for good.

Too bad it'll be years before I can trust men again.

2009-05-16T21:36:00.000-04:00

2009-05-15T13:09:00.001-04:00

I can't seem to motivate myself to study. Just wanna be in Israel... Only a little over three weeks away... Ahhh....

Oh yeah and I cut my dreads off in merit of Lag B'Omer this year. I figure if I am gonna be living in Jerusalem it would be best not to attract attention to myself. Also, it's not good to put stumbling blocks in front of people to have them judge me without favor because of my hair. That would just be wrong.

Not really a huge fan of my short hair, but surely I will learn to rock this electro mullet.

GOOD SHABBOS!!!!!!!!!!!

Shavua Tov and Small Miracles

2009-05-03T09:24:00.000-04:00

Shabbos dinner with the Chassidishe rabbi was most inspirational. Actually made it to Mincha, Maariv and Kabbalat Shabbat services, the last of which was highly musical. Had forgotten how powerful a feeling it is to sing when it's a full house.

Most shocking of all was how much Torah was spoken among the people I hung around most of the night. Something about being sitting at the table of a revered scholar suddenly put everyone into Jewish philosopher mode, it was quite something to behold. I held back most of the time, preferring to take it all in since so many charged discussions filled every room.

There's an Aramaic word "chavrusa" which means friend (much like the Hebrew word for friend which is "chever" or "chevera"). In the context of studying Torah it is referred to one's learning partner. Finding one's chavrusa can be tricky, because it needs to be someone who has common learning goals as you and it helps if your souls resonate well. Ideally that person is also the same sex as you, since yeshiva studies require gender separation.

Anyway, I think it's safe to say that H-Shem sent me my chavrusa this past Shabbos. Which means even though I'm not spending my summer immersed in some hardcore Israeli seminary, I can still benefit from peer-to-peer independent study at home. It means not wasting my summer going after purely physical pursuits (working and acquiring) and gaining nothing spiritual. And surely someone who wants to hang out for tea and Torah will buffer any loneliness I will inevitably feel from being single. Torah among friends has been the only effective medicine against combating loneliness I've found. Something about community makes the grief of various losses a lot easier.

Not sure what I've done to merit such mazal, but having a new buddy that I can both be myself around AND geek out about Judaism with is pretty awesome. Was beginning to think I'd never see the day when I could finally relate to non-males.

Baruch H-Shem, it's going to be an amazing summer!

Sem Update

2009-04-26T16:54:00.000-04:00

So I chose not to go to seminary this summer, but I am still going to make it to Israel for a few weeks anyway (woohoo!). Financially it would have been impossible, but the main reason is that I received a blessing from my rav to get some certifications done to boost my business. This means spending more time working for a pay cheque this summer (to pay for said certifications) than studying Toyreh in Yerushalayim would probably bring me the most benefit.

I am frequently told I am at a pretty high level learning-wise, and don't necessarily require a seminary experience, but I still think they're wrong. I will give myself the gift of a proper education when it's within my means.

Currently in the process of packing up my life into boxes and preparing the big move home in May. Looking forward to my father teaching me guitar this summer.

*** THIS JUST IN ***

My Hebrew prof just e-mailed me back reassuring I didn't miss very much while I was sick (what with no school during Pesach) and I over-studied (by a few chapters) for the quiz on Tuesday. Baruch H-Shem.

Now I can relax and catch up on Pirkei Avos. I forgot to read it yesterday (or more like, did not make the time) because I was cramming a few weeks of Modern Hebrew into my small brain in a few hours over Shabbos. I justify studying Hebrew (if only reading, and not writing of course) during Shabbos 'cause Hebrew is considered a divine language, and thus learning it is on par with furthering my Torah knowledge, no?

This calls for a cup of Wissotzky's Mango & Passion Fruit tea (only the best flavour ever).

2009-02-04T01:14:00.000-05:00

It don't matta'

2009-01-14T15:09:00.001-05:00

It doesn't matter why it was the worst New Year's Eve ever, because I don't celebrate it anyway. In fact I spent nine hours that day selling tickets and setting up decorations for some other party that I wasn't going to be attending.

Only to come home and have a year's worth of emotional resentment blow up in my face.

But somehow I'm moving past it, and things are good again.

In 2009 I get to reclaim my life.

HaKodesh Baruch Hu.

2009-01-01T13:58:00.000-05:00

Worst New Year's Eve ever.

2008-12-17T11:40:00.000-05:00

Hanukkah Rising

2008-12-08T13:36:00.001-05:00

Aromatherapy

2008-11-25T00:23:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'm going to visit the Aromatherapy Institute and purchase soap-making supplies, as well as inquire about enrolling in courses for their programs in holistic health care.

The start-up fee is only $200, which isn't bad, since the numbers show that amount could create over 300 bars of natural specialty soap.

And so far the process of writing down all my ideas for recipes has been exhilarating, to say the least.

It will also be fun to give out free samples to people and get their feedback before I consider selling them on a serious basis (it's been a few years since I've made soap, so I need to practice). But the soap I did make was sold through the Children's Aid Society, so I thought it might be worth it to try my hand at it again.

My friend is also going to be taking courses with me in the new year, and we hope to have a modest line of skin care items for sale in the summer. She wants to specialize in natural make-up, whereas I am big on soaps, creams, shampoos, and spa facial treatments.

We were even thinking of aiming for a merchant booth at Eclipse Festival or some other summer music fest that would get us some exposure.

And it seems the most logical next step is to add some charity influence to the sales. One charity I came across recently particularly moved me, and it was a fund that supports a girls' orphanage in Israel. Since beauty products are quite girly to begin with, it made perfect sense to me to empower disadvantaged Jewish women of tomorrow.

Also, since it's specialty soap that's eco-friendly, there are two reasons people can feel good when buying it.

Oh, and I'm glad I didn't throw out my flame retardant lab coat and goggles from my first year chemistry lab while cleaning recently. They will come in handy tomorrow!

I will post pictures of the work in progress.

Lyla tov.

Kibbutz Ha'on

2008-11-23T15:14:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in the Middle East, that is Israel, on the south-eastern shore of the Sea of Galilee, near the borders between Syria and Jordan lies a beautiful kibbutz village called Ha'on.

Here are some highlights from my first overnight encounter with Eretz Yisrael.

Looking at these photos instantly sends me back my stay there. Drinking fruity Golani wine, dancing and singing along to The Doors and Bob Marley coming from the patio bar stereo, and gazing across the water to Tiberias. I remember how connected to H-shem I felt. Also, it was clear as crystal to see the Kabbalistic connection between Northern Israel and the element of water. The emotional intensity of being somewhere that instantly felt like home was unreal. It actually brought me to tears on the second night, while chilling by the water with some of my trip mates.

We were discussing our identities as Jews and Canadians, and which we see first when identifying ourselves and why. I mentioned the pull from my grandmother (who is now passed on) to come to Israel, and how I think she would have wanted this.

The next day, after crying (again) from trancing out at the Kotel (Western Wall) over Tehillim (Psalms), our Israeli tour guide told me my grandmother is probably very proud of me right now.

I hope he is right.

2008-11-22T23:02:00.001-05:00

taps mic Is this thing on?

2008-11-21T11:42:00.000-05:00

It was advised to me recently that I should start blogging my thoughts, due to me being in the "flamer" phase of becoming a baal teshuva, or returnee to Orthodox Judaism.

It's hard to gain the support of family and friends when you've gone from being a drug using hippie to Torah studying, siddur reading, skirt wearing BT in less than a year.

It was told to me to try and avoid taking on too much at once, for it is very possible to burn out after becoming a flamer.

And there was a time, around Pesach this past year, when I was still wearing pants a few days of the week, where I told myself I'd never just flip like that. No, I'd be one of those people who takes years and years of careful consideration and study before committing to all these mitzvot.

But after a while it became less of a chore, or tourist experience and more of a joy for which to look forward, especially since returning from Israel for the first time this past summer. I can see now why observant Jews literally live for the experience of Shabbat. It is a beautiful day to reflect upon the week that just ended, and the one that is about to start.

Hopefully I will find the catharsis I am looking for during this difficult transition into a new chapter of life. All other online outlets I've tried have failed miserably thus far, and it is surely my duty to maintain this space as a conduit for positivity, and not reckless loshon hora.

Shabbat Shalom.